I know that you find it difficult to use the word note. And you know, you find it difficult. And you're probably wondering why why is such a small, simple word so difficult to use? And the answer is because a tendency that all of us have. It's that tendency when someone asks us for something, just to say yes. And so, at the end of a busy day, you get home and you feel that you've been busy all day, but you've achieved very little, maybe even nothing worthwhile.

You've become a victim of the gopher. The gopher is my word for your tendency to go for this and to go for that. To go for whatever it takes to go for whatever offer that comes your way. And we do this for three reasons. And the first is what I call autopilot. Because when someone asks you to do something, you often don't think about it very carefully.

They catch you in a moment. And you have a stock default polite response. Yeah. Or worse still, the four words that you'll hear yourself saying time after time after time as you go through your working life, and yet you know, that as soon as you've said them, you're going to regret them for words. Leave it with me. That's your autopilot.

But even if you're not prey to autopilot, there's another thing that's going on. And that's your need to please because Aren't we all just a little worried and if we say no to somebody, we're disappointed them will upset them. They will no longer like us prospectus be off Friends that need to please, is so, so important in all of us. And it leads us to say yes to things that we rather not do. Indeed, we know we really ought not to do. And there's a third reason as well.

And it's known as maximizing the desire to maximize what you've got. Which is ironic, of course, because as soon as we say yes to something, we reduce our opportunities to get what's really important to us. But every request, every question every opportunity carries with it, the chance of something good. And the risk of saying no, is the risk that we won't get back to your thing. We won't seize that opportunity. I desire to maximize every opportunity leads us to say yes, even when we know we shouldn't.

Let's take a look at all of this in a little more detail. The gopher is your unconscious drive to say yes. And to go for it. And there's a lot of psychology that underlies the reason why each of us has an inner gopher. Let's look at four basic problems that underlie the gopher mentality. And the first is the threat of consequences.

The thought about what might happen as a result of saying no. Maybe you're worried about arguments, confrontations, standoffs, conflict, none of us like any of that. So, perhaps is easier just to say yes. And we also talked about maximizing a few moments ago and the loss of opportunities. Indeed, one of the most powerful techniques that advertisers use and sales people use is the one last chance Gambit If you say no Now, you may never ever get another chance. Perhaps over say yes.

It's one of the most powerful persuaders there is. So that fear of loss. And what we might fail to gain by saying no weighs heavily in our minds. The second concern we often have is how we might look to others. If we say no. You probably think that you're a nice person.

Are you the sort of person who says no? Can a nice person be the sort of person who says no, in your mind, you're probably worried that I can't. So what you have to do is to start to separate, being nice and being easily compliant. It's perfectly possible to be a nice person and yet have your own Mind and to make your own choices. We don't want to look bad, we want to impress people. We want to impress people with what we can do.

And many people got to where they have got in their careers and in their lives by being good at saying yes. And by being good at fulfilling their commitments, no starts to feel like a weakness. And of course, as soon as we start to raise the question of a weakness, there's the possibility that someone will point to you and say, No. Are you sure? You scared? you're frightened, you're worried you won't be able to?

And suddenly, your hackles rise. You rise to the bait. And you say, all right, okay. You fall for it. How you appear to someone has nothing to do with whether you say yes or no and everything. to do with what you say yes or no to, and how you say yes or no.

But there's that concern, isn't there? that third basic problem? The response you might get from the person you say no to, maybe they'll be offended. But there's nothing wrong with saying no, it is not in itself offensive. It's a choice. Maybe you'll hurt their feelings.

But it's this person is fragile unless you fear maybe they'll dislike you. Yeah, maybe they will for a while. But the question is, will they respect you? If you say yes to everything. dislike is not what counts. Because people will respect you.

If you say yes or no to the right things. And when they respect you, that's when they start to like you Finally, you might be worried about disappointing people about letting them down. But most of the times people have alternative options. And if you're one of those people who says yes to everything, then you are their default position. They'll come to you because it's easy. Chances are they've got many, many backups.

And then of course, there's your own feelings. How you might feel if you say no, because many of us take deep pride in our ability to say yes, and our ability to get things done. I'm one of those, just do it kind of people. And you want to help as well. You want to feel useful and valuable. You want to show what you're able to do by saying, No, you're giving that up.

But are you because by saying no to things that don't matter, you're better able to take pride in achieving the things that do matter, by saying no to the things that are less important, you're increasing your ability to help people with the things that really are important. So, you may want to say yes, you may feel gopher, urging you to go for this and to go for that. There are lots and lots of reasons why that urging will be powerful in you, but resisted. In the next lecture, we'll go even deeper into six psychological drivers that drive us to say yes, and therefore frustrate your ability to say no