In the last lecture, we saw many reasons why psychologically, the gopher drives you to say yes, I'd go for this and go for that. In this lecture, I want to take it a little bit deeper. I want to look at the work of a psychologist called Toby Carla, who looked at what people need psychologically to do if they feel okay about themselves. And Carla, catalogued five drivers that drive our behaviors. And we feel that if we can accede to these drivers, that's what we need to do in order to feel okay about ourselves. So in this lecture, we're going to look at five drivers that Tybee Carla described to help us feel okay and how Can subvert your ability to say no.

The driver to be perfect. The driver to be strong, the driver to please others. The driver to try hard and the driver to hurry up. And as a little bonus, we'll look at a sip thriver Tybee Carla didn't consider one that other authors have suggested might also work in the same way. The driver to be careful. These six drivers can account for a lot of the reasons why you and I find it hard to say no.

You're being perfect driver is your inner perfectionist that need to establish patterns and rituals of work to be properly organized. to focus on details. It leaves you critical of yourself Often others too. But it also means that you feel highly responsible. And saying anything other than Yes, feels like you're gonna let yourself and other people down. And if you do that, you won't be perfect.

What you need to tell yourself is that you're good enough as you are. And that saying no, is not a sign that you're not perfect. Quite the opposite. Saying no shows that you're in control. Your be strong driver is the driver that leads you to want to show how powerful and strong you are. Elite to to hide your feelings and suppress your own wants and needs.

When you get stressed, you withdraw and you just get on with it. You're often calm in a crisis, but you need to be able to show that you can be stuck You can get your head down, you can cope. So what do you do? You take on more and more. You're driven to say yes to everything. Because you fear that if you don't, you won't be strong.

We need to is to let yourself accept your own needs and wants and be strong enough to say no to other people's needs and wants and assert yourself. Please others driver leads you to put other people first, you're often a very gregarious, outgoing person, caring, nurturing, a team player, who can also be quite neglectful of your own feelings and your own needs. People with a strong please others driver often check their words to avoid Setting people are very cautious about what they do and say, because they're afraid of displeasing people around them losing their liking and respect. So what do they do? They say yes, to please others. But you know what?

You have to please yourself sometimes, because if you don't, nobody else will just take advantage of you and you'll become a doormat. People with a strong try hard driver get easily bored, easily distracted. They like stimulation, novelty and excitement. They're poorly organized. And they're often not very good at finishing things. They just like starting things.

They're creative, they're playful. They're even rebellious. They're good in groups, but they don't like to take the lead. So what do they do? They say yes to everything because everything is a novelty. saying yes to something new, relieves them in their mind, of a sense of obligation to finish what they've already committed to.

So don't try hard. Just do it. Do what you commit to, and say no to distractions and diversions that will stop here. The Hurry up driver leads to a rush, rush, busy, busy lifestyle you take on everything. Often, the gopher is totally in command of the Hurry up person. They get lots done, but often a last minute sometimes quite slapdash.

They talk quickly, and they're not very good at listening. If you've got a strong Hurry up driver, then you'll find that quantity is more important to you often than quality. You'd like to multitask. And you know what? Because you can you take on more and more and more. And you say yes to this and you say yes to that.

And then go for goes for this and the gopher goes for that. Slow down. Take your time. start saying no to things that get in the way of doing the things that matter properly. Then you can really focus on those and hurry up and get some really good and powerful results. Are you one of those people for whom making mistakes, feels catastrophic.

You worried about losing what you've got? There's risk really scare you. If it does, and you've got a powerful, be careful driver. You know, with a strong Be careful driver. It's always Just a little bit worrying to say no. Be careful, you might lose something important.

No, feels dangerous, feels possibly even care less. And you don't want to take chances. Because you might be losing something of real value. Well, you know what? Be careful you don't say yes to too many things and lose the opportunity to do what matters. So what are these drivers?

Well, the theory is quite simple. At some point in our childhood, we become anxious about ourselves. And we all have had anxieties as children, but we pick up messages from our parents, our carers, the people around us, that if we do certain things will be alright, if we hurry up, get ready for school quickly. If we're careful, for be strong and Don't cry, then we'll be all right. We pay These up as children. So they're like solid rocks in our lives that blocks us from doing what we choose to do.

By stopping us from saying no, about the things we ought not to take on. It's time to learn the word of No. It's time to learn what to say yes to and what to say no to