The things that concerns many people is what would happen if they resist my noble objection, my note and it will happen. So it is as well to understand how it happens, and therefore what you can do about it. And it happens at three levels, and each level escalates the level of emotional discomfort, physical discomfort, sometimes, and perhaps even threat and intimidation. The first level is simply a persistence, a refusal to accept or no and a persistent constant reiteration of the request. And we know this works as a technique for getting what you want, and so people will use it. Second is manipulation.
Attempt to use language and emotion to manipulate you into a yes, that you know is not right for you. And thirdly, it escalates all the way up to aggression with the potential for verbal and physical intimidation. This is where it starts to get nasty. So we'll look at the three of these one at a time. Persistence is disrespectful, but it is successful. So you need to understand how to handle it.
And the first step is to repeat your noble objection to say no. And also to repeat your original reasons. You don't need to add extra reasons but you do need to repeat your reasons, because this shows that you are short of your ground. If you do try and add additional reasons, it indicates to the other person that they're winning because you feel the need to to shift your ground and add further reasons suggesting that you don't believe that the first reasons were strong enough. If you get further persistence, the second stage is to repeat your no one more time and knowledge, the arguments that they've made, and reiterate that you're happy with your no and happy with your reasons. But at this stage, don't repeat your reasons anymore.
If you have to repeat your reasons, a third time, it sounds rather like you're justifying your notes yourself, rather than to the other person. So stick with your confidence, no. At the third level, with more persistence, look them in the eye and say I've said no, and my no stance. Say no more. Indeed, you can further emphasize your no by slowing down and adding up falling intonation. I've said no and no stands.
At the next level, you need to start adding some real body language. A downward movement of your hands with the palms down in time with your No. And also some verbal indication that you're ready to disengage. I've said no, am I no is final? Or I've said no. And and no stands.
I have made up my mind. Again, the falling intonation and the slowing down. And interestingly, if you want to make it more positive, emphasize it by quieting down. I've said No. and No. is final.
If they continue to persist, then spot there repast an interrupted because Now, they are no longer showing you any respect at all, it's time to let them know that you're not going to put up with it. So as they start to resist and repeat their request one more time, you interrupt them by saying, No, no, I need to get on with something else now and start to turn your body away from them. This will signal to them that you are ready to move on, and you're not going to entertain any further conversation. manipulation is an attempt to get you to change your mind using verbal and psychological approaches. They'll make you feel uncomfortable, they'll tug at your emotions. They'll play on things like guilt, or discomfort.
Now the important thing to recognize about all of this is this is just game playing. When you're playing game, the immediate inclination is to try to win. You can't win. That's the vital thing to know You can't win these manipulative games, the only thing you can do is to stop playing. And if you work with colleagues or if you know, friends and family members, well, you will recognize the game as soon as it starts it will be familiar. And that familiarity to trigger in your mind Ah, here we go again.
And that here we go again, feeling in your mind tells you that a game is about start. Don't try to win it. What you need to do is to step away and say something like this. This is this is familiar, we've been around here before. You've said this sort of thing before we never get anywhere. Let's agree to disagree.
Because if you get sucked into playing one of these games into being manipulated, then you're either going to do something you regret, say something you regret, or more likely, just waste a whole lot of time and emotional energy. getting nowhere. aggression can be very uncomfortable. And this is not the lecture course, to cover the details of dealing with aggression and conflict. But I am going to give you a short introduction to some of the key ideas. And the first is to recognize that aggression is an unpleasant disrespectful behavior, which I'm sure you don't welcome and would like to see gone.
However, aggression isn't the same as the person who is being aggressive at that time. recognize their emotions, by letting them know that you understand what's going on. I understand, I get that you're really annoyed. I get that you're really angry. But separate in your mind the aggressive behaviors from the person and maintain your respect for them and commit to working together collaborate and respectfully invite them to work together without necessarily conceding that you aren't going to change your mind because you may not. But you're in a conflict situation or dealing with aggression, changing your mind has to be a potential option.
And finally, look for options that you and they may be able to agree on. A good tip is to not only acknowledge their anger, their upset their aggression, but to ask them about it, and to ask them what you and they could do about it together. Because when we start to analyze our emotions, it takes some of the heat out of them. And once you've taken some of the heat out of the emotion, then you can apply one of five strategies for dealing with the conflict. And the first is to make a concession. Neither say yes or give a partial Yes.
But that concession is something that you would make if the value of the relationship and the importance of defusing the aggression outweigh the cost to you of the yes or the partial. Yes. The alternative is to play to win, to stand firm on your no and accept the cost in terms of the uncomfortable situation and potentially the damage to the relationship. But if what's being asked of you, is more costly than the value of the relationship you're putting at risk. And that's absolutely the thing to do. If the aggression is too great, and step away, don't get caught in a conflict, which is going to continue to escalate, where you fear that the outcome is going to be.
Be unpleasant for both of you. The fourth approach is a bit of give and take a compromise. Now the nature of a compromise is that each of us gives up something and take something from the other person. A good compromise is one where both parties feel that what they've given up is fair in relation to what the other party has given up. But neither feels particularly good about the situation because both parties have had to give something up. Compromise works, and it's easier to achieve than the next alternative, but it's never as good.
The final alternative is to look for a win win solution instead of say, Well can I give up? What will you give up? actually ask, what can I give? What can you give and look to contribute to Building an agreement. The more options you've got, the more things you prepared to put on the table, the more successfully, you can turn an aggressive conflict conflict situation into a successful outcome for both of you. Persistence, manipulation, and aggression.
Now you've got the tools to handle these. The last question is this. When should you change your mind? And the answer to this is simple. change your mind when you're wrong, because you will be sometimes. Now I know that politicians hate the idea of a U turn, they lose face for the simple fact is that if you want to be right all the time, there's only one way to do it.
And that is to be prepared to change your mind quickly. When you realize you're wrong. When you realize you're wrong, change your mind change your no into a yes. And you will then be right. So what if they do resist? Well handle persistence effectively, and it won't turn into manipulation.
Step away from manipulation, and it won't turn into aggression. But if you encounter aggression, be prepared to deal with it effectively. And ultimately, if you realize that anytime that you were wrong to say no change your mind and change your noble objection into a positive, enthusiastic Yes.