Welcome back to ready for love. Welcome to session number four. In this session, you're going to learn first date stuff. And one of the things I'm going to teach you is how to be the best first date ever, ever in all the land. You ready? It's the big secret.

The big secret to being the best first date ever is to walk in. Like you know him. That's right. First Date. Just walk in like you know him, like your his wife already. Or a really good friend of his.

You want to walk in and act accordingly. What would you say to a really good friend of yours? If you were meeting for tea on a Friday afternoon? What would you say? You'd probably say something like, Hey, how you doing? How was your week?

Or How was your day? You might say How is your week? But think how is your week darling? You would want to say that because that would be weird, right? You want to start building partnership from the very moment you meet. And as boring as that might sound, how is your day?

Boring, right? as boring as that sounds? It has you engaged. It gets the ball rolling very gently. And it does it all without the interview process and without the nervousness. How is your day is organic?

It has you be automatically related connected to him. It has you seemed familiar. Maybe safe, homey. It shows that you're receptive to who he is as a whole person. Like you want to listen to what's going on for him. So men hate the interview.

You know what I'm talking about when I say the interview, that vetting process you put them through to see if they're qualified to date you. They hate that. It makes them feel like a wallet. They don't feel seen as the whole person. So starting with, hey, how was your week, as you seem very receptive to who he is and what he thinks. So if you want to be the best first date ever, and also be really lazy, all you have to do is ask how his day was, and then just hang out and listen.

And I'm going to ask you to listen in a new way, probably a way that you're not used to listening. And it's going to feel really uncomfortable when you start this process for the first time. So just know now, this is not going to feel natural at all. But I'm going to teach you a way to listen to men, that works really well for men. It's a tool I'm going to give you, and it's actually a two part tool. So I'm going to give you a listening lesson, and I'll also teach you what to listen for.

And this way of listening is total magic. You're gonna have so Much quality information. You won't even need the checklist anymore. They're going to give you everything you needed to know within the first date or two, way better than the list. So I'm going to get you started with the first part, which is how to listen. And then I'm going to shift to what to listen for.

Mostly when women are talking, we're talking, talking, talking. And as we're listening to someone else, we're processing everything they say. And we're also getting ready to talk again. Have you ever noticed when you watch shows where it's all women, like the view or the talk, or any of those talk shows where there are three or four women at a roundtable? Have you noticed that they talk over each other? Have you noticed that we cut each other off, we talk over each other?

We finish each other's thoughts? Don't do that. That works really well for women. That doesn't work at all from it. So I'm going to ask you to do something that's huge step back from that huge, huge, huge, huge, so I don't even mean let him finish a sentence. I mean, let him finish a sentence and then hang out in silence for 30 seconds.

Oh 30 seconds What? Yeah, yeah, girl 30 seconds. So you say How was your day? And he says, oh my god I had a day. I don't even know if I want to talk about it. You just hang out there quietly.

And what will usually happen is who kind of look up kind of like looking up going into his head, kind of scan down in his body and to stomach maybe 15 to 25 seconds later. He'll have more to say God so I had this client today blah, blah, blah, blah, blah blah blah blah. And then when he gets done talking want to be lazy. Want to be a good listener start the clock over, hang out another 30 seconds. Magic, magic. So we women get uncomfortable in silence.

I teach how to listen 30 seconds longer in front of large groups of women. And one of the ways I do it is I give them the information that I just gave you. And then I demo 30 seconds. I literally sit in front of them for 30 seconds in silence. I've done it for over 1000 women over the course of 16 years. Every time the women are squirming at about five seconds Five seconds of silence is just almost intolerable for us.

I'm asking you to go beyond that another 25. Because men aren't like us, they don't have the information just right there ready to go and just ready to talk over you and ready to do the next thing. Most men don't do that. Some do, but most don't. And if you don't give them that 32nd space, yeah, they're just not going to tell you. They're just not going to talk.

They're not going to think badly of you. I mean, that's just how normal women communicate. But they're not going to go very deep with you. Sometimes we think men are shallow. And it's because we're only getting what's at the surface, because we don't hang out long enough to give them a chance to go deeper. And the really juicy stuff, the emotional stuff.

Yeah, that's at the bottom that's not right at the top of the surface. So you might need to wait and let him express himself, and then wait another 30 seconds and let him express himself and wait again, start that clock all over again. Now this is for a time where you really want to hear from him. Or if you just want to be a lazy dater, I'm not telling you not to talk through a date. Obviously, you got something to say, you're not going to wait that 30 seconds, every time you're going to jump in, you're going to interject, you're going to do all those things, right? But this is access to really getting men to open up and share everything there is to share.

And the good news is, is when you start with how is your day, and it's organic, and it's not threatening. They're gonna settle into that and start talking and the conversation can go all kinds of places, you're going to learn so much about him. And where you're going to learn it is through his opinions, and what matters to him and what he cares about. And it all stemmed from that little question. How was your day This 32nd thing, by the way, works with all men in all contexts. It works in work relationships with family, it's a great way to hear from men.

If you have a son, and he's hit that stage where he's just not talking very much, the answer is fine, or nothing. Hang out with him for 30 seconds longer and see what happens. Even I went to a community event once where there was about 100 people there and they had us in groups of six, those circles have chairs in six all around the room. And we sat down in two chairs of the six, and then four women joined us just happened to be all women who joined our circle. So there were five women, and Dave, and we got instructions to go around the circle and each take a turn and share something. And so they gave us the topic and then would all go around.

The circle and chair, and I wasn't next to Dave. I was across the circle from Dave. And we all went around the circle. But when it came to Dave's turn, he didn't share. It was really weird. And then that asked another question, and we'd all go around the circle to share.

And once again, it come to Dave and he wouldn't share. So weird. Why is my husband being so weird? So, third question, same thing happened, right? The whole time. It was very uncomfortable for me.

So we leave I said to him after I'm like, hey, so what the fuck happened in there? Shouldn't share it all. And he said, Oh, I need five seconds of silence to speak into. And if I don't get it, I'm not going to speak because if you can't bother to grant me five seconds of silence. Yeah, you don't want to hear what I have to say. Anyway.

I didn't understand that five seconds of silence to a woman is intolerable. She was waiting for him to speak. And when he didn't speak within five seconds, she started talking. She went ahead and took her turn. So I want you to notice that I want you to play with it out in the world. When do you want to speak?

What's natural for you to do, and go beyond that and live in that discomfort of the silence and I promise you, it gets really easy, and eventually becomes very natural for you to listen that way. So the next part of this magical way of listening is what are you listening for? What are you listening for? How are you listening? So as you're listening, what's natural and normal for you is to listen. Do I agree?

Or do I disagree? Do I agree? I don't know if I agree. Oh, Oh, no, I really disagree. Ooh, we voted for different presidents. I really disagree.

In fact, I need to get away from that person now. So how we listen is, do I agree? And if I do agree, I'm going to feel more affinity. Or do I disagree? And if I do, I should get away from you. I'm repelled by you.

Instead, I am going to ask you to listen for, huh? Who is this interesting person that started with that answer to this question, or, wow, this is our first state and he's leading with that. What's the relevance of that in his life? So instead of listening from your own personal opinion of agree or disagree, listen for Who is he? What's important to him? What does he value?

And another thing we listen for? Is Is he or Isn't he is he generous? Here, isn't he, instead of his here, isn't he shift that to? How is he? How is he expressing generosity? What's his flavor of that?

What's his flavor of contribution? So instead of yes or no, ask yourself a question. Instead, it's going to be way more valuable for you. So if you do those two things, listen, 30 seconds longer after he stops talking, and shift to listen to learn instead of agree or disagree. You're going to get so much more out of him and you're going to have really valid information on sorting if he's a good match for you. So in layman's terms, what I'm asking you to do is give him your full attention and listen to who he is.

Two together deadly combo. You'll also find out is he a talker Is he talking because he's nervous? Or is he talking? Because he's just a talker? And he's like that with everybody. Does he ask about you?

Or is he the opposite? Is he hard to draw out? These are not red flags on a first date, instead of looking at it as a deal breaker or red flag, I'd like you to consider it's a pink posted note, you want to stick a pink post it note on it, come back to it on the second or third date. See if it's still that way. If he's talking too much, it might be because he's nervous. Because you're amazing.

Or if he's hard to draw out, maybe you're so beautiful. You've rendered him speechless. And once he gets to know you a little better, he'll act normal. So you might want to give them a chance because it would be really tragic to pass somebody by cuz they liked you too much. That's not a good reason. liking you too much is not a good reason.

So besides that really boring question. How is your What else? Could you ask? What questions could you ask on a first date? That would elicit deep answers, but also give them the ability to stay shallow if they want to? Want a couple of them?

Here we go. What do you love about your life? Do you know you could spend your entire date talking about what you both love about your life? And that would be such an awesome date. Oh my god. so juicy, so uplifting.

Your first date is to get to know somebody, find out who they are a little bit. But their flavor of expression in the world is. And if you learn what they love about their life, you're gonna learn a lot. Especially if you say, what do you love about your life? And they say nothing. That's pretty telling.

Right? So what do you love about your life? a really great question could last for hours. Another question what's coming up in your life that you're really excited? about maybe it's a concert. Maybe it's a vacation time with family.

And then just listen. What makes your life work? It's another good one. Who's your favorite underdog? And why? In a find out a lot about what he cares about.

I'm often asked the question, can we talk about what we're looking for on a first date? You can I don't work amended, if he asks. All right, sure. I don't want you to be the one that brings up What are you looking for in a relationship on a first date? I don't want you to do that. Women have told me that they've led with the end game in mind.

And there's a really great relationship expert who actually gave women the, what I have now come to consider kind of bad advice to leave with the end game in mind? You know, at the time she gave that information, she thought it was a good sorting mechanism. But it really doesn't work in modern day. You know, for a woman to lead with the end game in mind. She could say something like, I'm looking for my husband, and I want to have three kids, and I want to be a stay at home mom and homeschool them. You How about you?

What do you want? That can be a little overwhelming. I don't recommend it. Mr. dating app. He doesn't know you. You're a stranger.

He's not in love with you. And rolling out all your hopes and dreams on a first date can seem like bad judgment. I've interviewed hundreds of men on this topic and they say speaking about commitment or marriage on a first date is downright scary. One man was telling me a story about how He was so excited that he finally got a yes from a woman that he really liked. As he put it, she was way out of his league. And he was at the point in his life where he was wife hunting.

He wanted a wife and he wanted a family. And he was thrilled that she said, Yes. And they got to that restaurant, she slid in the booth, ordered a drink and said, so are you looking to be married someday and have kids because I am sick of wasting my time I want to know. He said, check, please. And he was out. He was looking for marriage.

He was looking for children. And it just showed such a lack of judgment that should roll that out that he didn't even want to stay. During my process of interviewing men about this topic, I asked a friend of mine named Sean, if it was a bad idea to just be super casual about it not like married to you, but partnered with the right person someday. Be gentle about it. And he said, I don't care how you put it. If you say in front of me that you're looking for a partner, whether you want me or not, I'm gonna put myself in those shoes.

I'm on a date with you. And yeah, it's too soon. Now this is coming from my friend Sean, who had been married for 20 years, was single for about six months. One on One match.com date and he's been living with that woman for over a decade now. So this is Mr. Relationship guy.

This isn't Mr. Player guy. Too soon on a first date. It would be kind of like talking about a prenup on a first date. That's too much right? Consider that you wanting to talk about your husband or partner on the first date.

Is him wanting to talk about a prenup on a first date? Or maybe what he wants sex on a first date. Too soon, right. You can use online dating and a little screening pulldown menu system they have to put what it is you're looking for to help sort. But don't bring it up on a first date. What the first date is all about is getting to know who is this new, interesting stranger standing in front of you.

It's one of women's biggest mistakes when dating, adding that extra pressure to the date. And I tried it personally I tried it because I got that advice from a relationship expert. And man did it backfire every time. So I stopped doing it and I started researching with men. And when I stopped doing it, what I replaced it with was saying, hey, how is your week and listening 30 seconds longer and listening to who he was. And I got all the answers I was looking for.

For your first date, you want to keep it light, light, light light and I don't mean fluffy light. I don't mean surface light, but you want to keep it light. Now, I know I don't need to tell you this. You wouldn't Never do this. Spread the word to your friends, your friends might do this. Don't complain about anything on a first date.

Don't complain about your mother, your boss, your girlfriend. I had a friend who he did a lot of dating, a lot of dating. And because he was hunting a wife, and he said, I don't understand it. Every single woman I go out with complains about something. What a turn off, drains the life right out of me. Don't complain.

If something bad is happening in your life, like let's say you just found out your next door neighbor has cancer. It's not a good first date conversation. And if there's something going on that you didn't expect, you want to declare that upfront and maybe cancel the date. You know, you might need to send them a text or give them a phone call and say, Hey, something just came up with my sister with her health and I think I need to cancel our day. for Friday until I can make sure she's okay. Can I reach back out to you to reschedule?

Just cancel it. It might feel like a good opportunity to bond with them more by pulling them in. Don't do that it can backfire in the long run in really unlovely ways. Don't talk about your nightmare ex from hell. Don't do it. He's just gonna wait to be the next nightmare ex from hell.

You know when a guy says that his ex girlfriend was crazy. You know how that's a red flag for you. Like maybe all the women are crazy in his life. And there's one common denominator here. You don't want to give him that in reverse. It's really tempting to talk about your ex on a first date because sometimes we feel like we need to explain our status.

Like we need to explain why it is we're still single, or what happened that we're single. This is not necessary. on a first date, you want to assume that he is single, and that you are single for very valid reasons. You don't need to know why he's single. You don't need to know what happened in his relationships or marriage or his life. You don't need to know.

And you don't need to justify yourself. And if he asks you, hey, pretty girl like you, why are you still single? You want to be ready with your elevator pitch? That's right, you're gonna have an elevator pitch. An elevator pitch is that one liner that you could say, if you got in the lobby of an elevator and went to your floor, and you'd be done talking when you reached your floor, five to seven seconds. So you want to have your elevator pitch ready to keep moving in that conversation.

So an elevator pitch could be as simple as well, I was married for 12 years, and it didn't work out. And I'll tell you more about it when I know you better Another great line is we split for a valid reason. So maybe you weren't married, maybe you lived with someone for three years, but you never got married. So you could say something like, I lived with someone for three years. It didn't work out. And I'll tell you all about it when I know you better the end.

You could say, I had a couple of good contenders. But at the end of the day, we weren't quite a match. And I'll tell you more about it when I know you better that line. I'll tell you more about it when I know you better just made you more interesting. Or if you've never been married, you just want to tell the truth about what happened because you know, you could be married. Any one of us could be married.

You see the National Enquirer the checkout stand of the lady who's getting married for the 16th time in Las Vegas, she's probably better than all get out. Anybody could be married, but you're waiting for the right one for you. So you just want to tell the truth about it. Maybe you were working on your career, or something happened in your family or whatever. So you just want to say it. something along the lines of, you know, I was really interested in passionate about my career.

And so I let that take over the first part of my life. But now I'm shifting and I'm ready for something different. Or maybe you had something weird or kind of a downer, maybe an illness that you don't want to roll out. So the line you would use for that is other priorities. And I'll tell you more about it when I know you better. So it could go something like this.

You Yeah, I'm still single because for the past several years, I've had other priorities, which I'll tell you All about when I know you better if he doesn't respect that, that is a red flag. Most men respect that. It's women who feel the need to reveal. We feel like if we're withholding information that we're lying. You don't need to tell a stranger anything about you. One of the toughest things about dating is trying to balance the information you're giving out to strangers.

And at what point are you doling out information that might be private? You don't owe anybody anything on you. And don't you let anybody ever give you grief that you didn't tell them something sooner. You can tell people things about you when you feel safe. The only thing you need to tell people is about an STI. If you're going to have sex with them, something that would affect their life.

That's it. Everything else can come out in the time that works best for you. All dating is is a sorting process. it cracks me up a little bit that I sometimes hear people say, I can't believe I'm just finding that out now. I've invested six weeks in dating this person, and I'm just learning about blank. Yeah, you're not going to learn everything on the first date, or the third date, or the 10th date.

It takes time to get to know somebody. It's a sorting process. Do you love your pet? I love my pet. Such a good dog. She was so amazing.

I could talk about her for hours. totally obsessed. Don't be that person. Don't talk about your pet for hours. That's just weird. They won't want to date you anymore.

You can give key information. You want to find out is he allergic because your cats kind of a deal breaker if he's allergic You don't want to talk obsessive Li about how you got your pet, and it was a rescue. And there's a 20 minutes story that goes with that. Don't do that. The one exception here is if pets are your whole life, like let's say you're a veterinarian, or you own an animal sanctuary. If he hates animals, and you're a veterinarian, yeah, probably not going to work out with you too.

So you the veterinarian or the sanctuary owner have a little more leeway to talk about animals. But just for the everyday cat owner or dog owner or potbelly pig owner. Don't be obsessive about your pet. If you have a specific lifestyle that has to do with your pet, that would be key information. Something like if you bought a Kia Soul, because it's a cheap enough car that you don't mind that it's trashed and you're going to throw all the seats down and there's going to be a muddy back to it because you're tired. In that dog to the ocean and muddy pawns all the time, and it's filthy.

I mean, you might not want to sail that on a first date, but you might start to allude to it because if he's Mr. neatnik, he would never ever get in that gross car. And that's how you run your life. You want to find that out? Not necessarily a deal breaker but something to work around. It is not fine though, to talk about how you can imagine not sleeping with your pet. Don't be crazy cat lady, or crazy dog lady.

But you want to find out is he allergic? When it comes to your children, you don't want to say very much on a first date. You really don't. You want to give some basic information, not spend time talking about the personalities of your children. Remember, this is just a stranger. The most I want you to go into motherhood is what made you a good mom, who inspired you, but don't be mom on a date.

Not sexy. And then you know about the taboo topics, sex and politics and religion. They're actually not always taboo. Some of the best dates I ever had I talked about sex, politics and religion. It just depends on who you are and what your best practices are. But it might behoove you to have these types of conversations for sorting purposes.

So when it comes to talking about sex on a first date, I want to give you the short answer of what happens. As a human being. We are two different parts, part human animal and part human spirit. And when it comes to men, they're human animal. animalistic part of them is the sexual part. And the human spirit part would be the giver.

The provider, the protector, the Animal part is good because you want that yummy sexuality. That animal takes Spirit gives spirit Make sure your cherished animal is going to try and jump your bones. So we're two parts as human beings, part, human animal, part human spirit, they got to have both. We're never going to get rid of animal animals actually a good thing. But when you start talking about sex on a first date, what you're going to do is you're going to activate his animal, and it's going to eclipse his human spirit. You add a cocktail or two in, it's going to help even more.

And what will happen is he will want to have sex with you and it will override his ability to, I don't know, see that there's something to lose if he blows it with you. You don't want to eclipse human spirit and have animal takeover. If you know how to manage that, you can do it. You can talk about sex on a first date, but you have to have a lot of facility in managing animal that you're pulling out of him. Now, you want to look at your own best practices here, because some of you are really good at managing animal you have facility there. I talked about sex on a first date a lot.

But I also lead workshops to women about sex. I swim in this world, I have a lot of facility with talking about sex with men, activating animal, using that energy, harnessing that energy, manipulating that energy, moving that energy around. I can deal with it. Can you can you manage that energy or is it going to trip you? Is it going to make your day go sideways. If you can handle it, cool.

Knock yourself out. If you're not sure, don't try it. Don't try This at home. I did it some of my best first dates ever. But you need to see, can you do that? So what's your best practice?

Your best practice might not be my best practice. All right, next up is religion, no matter how well it's going, if you get on the track of religion, you want to address it. So you could say something like, Oh my god, I can't believe we've been talking about religion for so long. I mean, I know I'm from Salt Lake City and all but I'm comfortable, are you? So you just want to check in? Do you want to stay on this path?

Or do you want to shift and talk about that trip you just took to New York and let them decide. And politics, I'm going to leave that to your best practice, to want to talk about it or not, because even if you're on the same page, especially in today's climate, it's just not a positive scene, and you want to keep the date positive. First Dates are for Do I even like this person? Because the most important things that you want to know, you're never going to get on a first date. You have to learn them over time. Seeing him in action, watching his follow up.

The things you want to know is Will he call? Does he like you? does this guy have follow through? honor, integrity? Is he kind of animals and strangers and children and service people and old people? Is he financially responsible?

Can he comfort you? Does he have your back? Will he be able to empower you? Is he gonna bring out the best in you? You can't ask any of those questions on a first date anyway. All right, before we move on to the next session, I want you to figure out what is your elevator pitch.

I want you to write it down. I want you to practice it in front of the mirror. And it's got to be quick, quick, quick. And the next time you're around men, I want you to practice listening. 30 seconds longer and listening to learn. Watch yourself wondering, do I agree, or do I disagree?

And shift that to Wow, who is this person? See what you find out. I'll see you in the next session.