Hi, welcome back to ready for love. Welcome to session number three. Today in this session we're going to be working on Who is he? And where is he? Besides online dating apps? Where is he?

And if you're out in the real world, how are you going to get him to pay attention to you? One of women's favorite questions to ask me usually starts with a statement and it goes something like this. I'm looking for my husband, but I do not want to go online. I don't want to meet him online. I don't want to date online. Online is for losers.

How can I meet them in the real world? That's what we're going to be talking about today. I'm going to give you the skinny on what works, what doesn't, where you're wasting your time, and why. But before we even leave your friend or we got to look at your mindset, what stories are you telling yourself? It's okay to admit it. We all do it.

And it's something that you need to be mindful in. Hire time you're dating. Because this is a fluid situation here, you'll get done telling yourself one story, and then you'll just create a new one. We just make shit up and then we're not responsible about noticing the thing that we made up. It might be completely false. And we've created this whole reality around it.

Okay, so what do I mean by that? It's probably easier if I just give you some examples. You're ready for some examples. There are no good guys out there. I only attract the crazies. I only attract the weirdos.

My guy friends are great. But the dudes online are out in the real world are just horrible. Do you want to be right about that? There's no shortage of superior men out there. Now it might take you a minute to find the right one for you. But there's tons of great guys.

And if you are dating online, that pool fills up with new ones every single day. So one thing to pay attention to is what are the stories that you're telling yourself? They're a trap. And you're going to tell them, so just catch yourself in the act. One of the very last stories I was telling myself before I met Mr. 121 was all right, well, I guess I just teach women how to keep going. So they can have their love, but I don't get mine.

I just get to teach them how to be tenacious. No, I didn't want to be right about that. You just got to catch it. And then when you catch it, don't make yourself wrong for making it up. It's just your inner critic doing her job. Simply catch it and stop it.

So if you're not going to date online, if you're going to try and find him out in the real world, where you see one of the biggest mistakes we do when we go out is we go out with all of our girlfriends in the girl pack. You know, a man is never going to penetrate the girl pack, right? It's just not going to He's not gonna walk up to six women standing in a circle to get shot down by you in front of them. So if you see somebody and you're making eyes at him, and he's making eyes at you, step away from the pack, maybe go stand at him by the bar right next to him when he's ordering a drink in order, drink yourself, or stand off to the side where he can come talk to you. Or you could go up to him and talk to him in a way that he's not doing it in front of five or six other women.

Even when we go out with just one girlfriend, like a wing woman, and we specifically set out to go meet people to go mingle, it often backfires. And the reason that happens is because we'll go with the explicit intention of meeting people, but we haven't seen our girlfriend in a long time. So maybe we arrive at the event or the restaurant or the lounge early. We stick out our spot. We get our drinks, maybe some food we sit down, we start catching up. And before you know it hours and hours later you look up and the place is empty.

You to have close to place down. You've been talking the whole time to each other. You went into the tunnel and you didn't notice anyone else around you. I know it can feel really uncomfortable, but the best thing you can do is go out on your own. Go out to a rock show on your own, or go to a fancy restaurant and sit in the lounge order a salad and Perrier and just chat with all the people sitting around you. If you like a specific type of guy, go where he is.

You like a pilot. Go eat at restaurants by the airport. You want an attorney? There's a pub across the street from your courthouse, have lunch there. Put yourself where they are in that fancy lounge bar in that pub across the street from the courthouse like that. Or you could use your lunch break to walk around.

Sit where you're standing in the lounge area, the park bench You know, a lot of the restaurants are now doing the long community tables and all the cool kid restaurants, go sit at a community table. Chances are you're not going to be able to get anyone to look up from their phones. But if you can, you might actually have a real authentic conversation with a stranger. Good, right. Here's a novel idea. Try your neighborhood.

Wait, what my neighborhood? Yeah, I once dated someone in my neighborhood. It was very convenient. Your neighborhood. If you walk your dog every day, or if you go jogging, pay attention. If you see maybe if you're jogging, slow down a little bit.

Before you run out the door. Brush your hair when you get out there. Look around, smile, chat with people. Hey, does that all have tree grow? Well here, talk to him about his garden. And if you don't see anybody you like change up your route.

Switch Up Your times. If you're urban, you can ask a stranger where something is. Or you could try a local farmers market. Ask somebody what this weird fruit is and do you eat the Reiner? How does this work for you? Do you cut it this way?

Or do you just break it open? Do you know what Whole Foods and Trader Joe's and the Piggly Wiggly and the Safeway all have in common? They're the place that hot men go for food. It's true, but you probably don't see very many of the hot men that go there for food, because you're probably very efficient. Like most women, you're probably very efficient. So you either have your groceries delivered for you.

Or you go on Tuesday at two in the afternoon when no one's there. to actually meet somebody in the real world. You might have to go at a really inconvenient time, like 730 at night on a Thursday when it's packed But potentially packed with men. You can pay attention to who's around you when you're running errands. If you have a 20 minute appointment at the Genius Bar at Apple, other people are also waiting around for their 20 minute appointment. Look up, chat with them.

Maybe their phone is broken, they won't be on it. And if you need to run an errand at Home Depot, make sure you run it on Saturday, not on a Tuesday. Lots of men who own homes and property go there because they need to fix things. And how do you get to work? Do you commute? The commute on a train?

An Uber pool? Where can you talk to people? You want to just keep looking for opportunities to be a friendly invitation or to start a conversation. And whether or not that you're able to convert that conversation into a date doesn't really make a difference because Being able to talk to strangers out in the world is going to be a real asset to talking to your love when you finally meet them, because you're going to be more comfortable talking to strangers. I've been known to talk to strangers at gas stations. Hey, how do you like that?

Audi? A three. I've been eyeing that. Yeah, I'd been eyeing that for about 10 seconds. I'm not saying you have to ask anybody out. You know what I never want asked anybody out ever.

You just want to be that friendly opportunity. That opening. You want to create the space to have him talk to you. So how you interact with people and how you get their attention has everything to do with who you are and what you want. If you're the kind of woman who likes to be in control, if you want to run the show, then yeah, approach. Ask him out.

See what he's doing Friday night. lock it down. Make that should happen. Totally Great. So if you want to be the alpha in control, go ahead and ask him out. If you want a masculine man who's going to pursue you, then you need to let him drive.

Let him pursue you. But that doesn't mean you're not going to approach him. You can approach that masculine man. You just want to create the opening and see if he picks up what your land down. And if you're shy, if everything I've talked about so far seems overwhelming and difficult. Yeah, sorry.

You have to internet date. Let's talk about more places we can meet him. How about the office? How about the workplace? Did you know that half of us are going to date somebody at work at one point in our lives, and the percentage of people who couple up and get married or stay together? Huge 20% of people who date from work end up together.

That's a big percentage one You're an even bigger percentage. If you are the boss, or if he is the boss, and you date 44% chance of success rate that you stay together 44% that's like the highest percentage ever. Now it makes sense because at work, you have a lot to lose. So it's not like you're just going to go tap that hot guy and move on right? Or he's not going to do that with you, most likely, you're only going to risk it if you see a real shot, or real potential. And part of the reason that it's 44% if one of you is the boss is because you've already vetted each other.

I mean, think about it during that job interview. You were vetting each other. Can we partner Well, can I get what I need from him? You already started the vetting process for partnership. You've already looked at, can he give me what I need? Do we have affinity for each other?

Do we like each other so You've already started the process. Okay, you might be thinking, well, I work from home, I don't have that kind of luxury. Hey, me too, I had that same situation. So you have to put more effort in, you're gonna have to go out more. Now, bars are usually the last place to look for a long term partnership. They're just not the greatest spot to find somebody for the long haul.

But if you're going to try a bar, what I recommend is you go down to the financial zone, it's a 545 on a Friday, because you might have the chance of meeting somebody who's not out of the bar all the time, but he's there to celebrate the win with the team. That might be a good opportunity to find him. But the next problem is catching his attention. This whole next piece is going to be about why it's hard to get their attention when we're out. So when you go out to that financial zone bar at 545 on a Friday You can walk in the place, scan the room, check out everyone in the room within seconds and focus on who you're looking for. Right?

You see everybody, mostly men don't do that. He's not scanning the room. If he's out there at 545, celebrating the win from the week with his team, he is single focused on his team. He's focused on making sure they feel celebrated and appreciated. He's got to watch that knucklehead over there because that guy drinks too much. He's got to pay attention to the one guy who really hit the home run.

He's paying the bill. He's got his attention on all of these different aspects under one focus called take good care of my team and acknowledge them. Now, maybe out of the corner of his eye, he can see your cuteness from across the room, but he's not going to break his focus on his team to come talk to you. He's just not going to do it. He might think you're cute. But he's not going to leave his team behind.

So when you're out in the real world, you have to see, what is he focused on? And does he have space to include me in? Or am I going to be a distraction from the focus? I'm going to give you three different examples. And I'm gonna use food, because I love food. I'm gonna give you three different examples of food, and how you can break focus and when you can't, okay?

So this will help you understand where you can spend your effort and time and where you should just not even bother. You're ready. Okay, so let's say every Thursday at eight o'clock, you go to your favorite taqueria. Okay. And every Thursday when you get there at eight o'clock, the same guy is there. He's in line.

He's totally hot. He's not wearing a wedding ring. You want to talk to them? He smiled at you want. Why won't he talk to you? Why won't he approach That guy's never going to talk to you ever.

At that hour standing in line waiting for dinner. He is focused on food. It is. Get my burrito, get my burrito, get my burrito, get my burrito, get home, get home, get home. That's it. Oh, cute girl back to the burrito.

That's it. So you're probably not going to talk to him at that taqueria ever. Hopefully you'll meet him in a different place, maybe a party. Next step is Whole Foods. Now, you might bump into that same scenario, if it's Thursday at eight at Whole Foods, he might be hunting his dinner focused on that and not interested in you at all. Or maybe a friend said Whole Foods is a great place to pick up chicks.

And so he has gone there specifically to look for you or talk to you or have that be an opportunity to meet new people. guys really don't do that. That's more of a woman thing. But some do a few of them do. So you might meet that guy. Or you might meet the guy who's trying to get his dinner and get the hell out of there.

So, um, Whole Foods better than the taqueria, but not great. Your best opportunity to meet strangers and have conversations and get to know people around food is something like the festivals or the food truck event. You know, usually the last Friday of the month or the first Saturday of the month or whenever, if you live in a decent sized city. There's a food truck event where they bring them all together and they string up some lights and maybe have a beer garden. And it's a social hour where there's food there. But it's more about socializing.

That that's your best opportunity. Way better than the taqueria best opportunity to meet new people to get in front of people and to create that opening where they can talk to you And single focus is the number one reason I like online dating so much. It's where men go to specifically meet you. And younger or older, this all applies. So if you're older and you're looking to meet people out in the real world, if you live in a decent sized city, you could try speed dating because they usually have that set up by age groups. But the truth is older men.

And when I say older, I mean pretty much any man over 45 Yeah, they don't go out much. This is a public service announcement, the PSA, nothing we can do about it. They just don't go out as much as we do. And when they do go out they're doing guy things are going to boat shows or car shows or golfing or rock shows. You could go to a local community event and who you're going to meet is a ton of women. Charity balls, Gallas, tons of single women, you're going to meet so many.

It'll be amazing. If you want to try something, especially if you're older, this works for older women really well. Go to a group dance lesson. Go on your own. Don't take a partner. Be happy, be friendly, and dance with everybody, you're going to be a hit.

And if you're a terrible dancer, that's a bonus. You really good dancers already know that. Women who can dance are much better at meeting new people that women who can because men at these events usually don't want to dance with women who are better than them. They either want to lead and be better or be at her level. Let's tackle the complaint. Nobody ever looks at me.

Nobody ever looks at me. I swear. I think what you mean is no qualified men. Look at you. But men check you out all the time. You can use the girlfriend test for this, grab a girlfriend, give her permission to smack your arm really hard.

Every time a guy checks you out, your arm is gonna be really sore by the end of that walk. guys check us out all the time. But here's the thing. They're really good at not getting busted at it. I don't care if you're 22 or you're 44. But you're 88 men check you out.

You're some flavor of dorable to some men. The problem is, we're mostly not picking up our eyes, and they are really good at not getting busted. So to create that space, that opening to be available for people to approach you. You need to be present. Put your phone down. Stop paying attention to that pretty blouse on that lady.

Don't be lost in thought or playing Words with Friends. be available. And remember when I told you to brush your hair before you run out of the house, that That's not for him. That's for you. Another reason that we think that no man ever looks at me, that voice in our head, no man looks at me can also come from refusing to believe that a man would look at you in the state you're in right now, if you look less than ideal. You know how you dress when you go to Target?

Those yoga pants. They might be three days old, put on your big sunglasses, ponytail hat. Like you're invisible. men think this is hilarious. By the way, that hat ponytail and big glasses. They know you're not invisible.

That's not your invisibility shield. But we think we don't look worthy. And so we'll try and make ourselves invisible. So men don't talk to us or interact with us. So would you be willing? Would you be willing to actually talk to somebody without any makeup on hair in a ponytail grease stain down that T shirt.

Would you do it? A double dog dare you? Which leads me to the last place I want to give you to find somebody you're ready. The gym, wet guess the gym? Would you date someone from your gym? Would you if he made a move with you date him.

Now I know some of you would never date anyone at your gym because that's your happy place. It's your sanctuary. You don't want to deal with that. And for those of you who that's your thing, cool. Don't date anybody at the gym. But there's a subset of women who don't want to date men from the gym because we think we look less than ideal.

Though we're all sweaty. We don't have any makeup on. When you have sex. What do you think you look like? Kinda like that, right? You're very attractive at the gym, and you're glowy at the gym.

They like the glowy. So you might consider that you look fine to actually have a conversation. You can be that opening, that opening for conversation. Or you can ask, Hey, can you spot me here? Or ask that question? Does this machine also work by shoulders?

Or does it only work my arms? Give it a try. But I keep talking about being that big opening for opportunity for men to approach you, because they need that. Guys, especially at the gym, don't want to come up to you. And the reason why is they don't want to be the creepy gym guy. Never in all of history, has it been harder to meet in the real world?

Never in all of history, have we been more unavailable to men? Post me to what men really understand is consent is important. And they don't want to be the creepy guy. They don't want to impose on your day. They don't want to impede your path. They're not going to bring up a conversation with you.

You for fear that you're going to shut them down. Now they already had that going on before Me too. But after me too, it's highlighted. I want to share with you something that I've learned from men, that doesn't really occur to women very much. And it's how they have to deal with being the creepy guy. when they were little boys, they were running around and playing with other friends and playing with trucks and doing their thing and being boys, right.

And one day, one day around 10 or 11, or 12, they got hijacked by puberty. And his dick wanted to take over. It wanted to take over it all of a sudden, got a voice and the voice was very loud. And this young man had to learn very quickly, how to not be the creepy kid. Now, hopefully he had a father or a brother or a friend who could help him out who could guide And steer and help him not be a creepy kid. And he learned pretty quick.

You know, one day He's just a kid. And now he has a dick for a roommate who's trying to call the shots and he's having to navigate that. So he learns, he learns quick, what's okay what's not okay. Like that. How to not be the creepy kid. And then he goes into high school.

He makes a couple of fumbles a couple mistakes, says inappropriate things to young women. He learned to get shot down pretty fast. He learns how to be not the creepy kid in his young 20s he's still trying to figure out how to not get busted for things. Looking at boobs. Stay focused on the eyes stick focused on the eyes, stay focused on the eyes stay focused on the eyes. I was just talking to a friend the other day and he said he literally had to say that mantra to himself over and over and over.

Look at the eyes, not the boobs. Look at the eyes, not the boobs. Look At the eyes of the boobs, and try and have a conversation at the same time, he says he never knew what he was talking about. Because he's just playing the mantra over and over and over and over how to be a good guy, not a creepy guy. So they figure it out, right. And by the early to late 20s, they're getting it down.

They got a groove on it. They know how to be appropriate. They know how to not be the creepy guy. They'll call other guys out for being the creepy guy. It's starting to go pretty well for him. But he's still got to watch it.

He still has to monitor the responses he has from what his body wants to do. And then when he gets older, now he has to worry about not being the creepy old guy. And then he dies. So pretty much from pre puberty to death. They're working on not being creepy guy. This is what a guy's life is like.

Now when it comes to asking you out, men are acutely aware of something that you might not be aware of. They know that the only thing that sets them apart from being the creepy guy and the guy you want to date is Is he your type. But he doesn't know you. He doesn't know if he's your type. Even if you've been beaming at him for the last hour, he doesn't know. Maybe you're just smiling because you've been socialized to smile and really, you're uncomfortable.

He doesn't know. You know, if George Clooney walked over to you at a bar and said, Hey, how you doing? You'd probably say something like, I'm really good. How you doing? But if your average Joe kind of bought A little too short for you not quite dressed the way you want came over and said, Hi, how you doing? Why do I have to deal with this?

And get it? So not our type user creepy guy for bothering to approach you. But then I've heard a woman say to another woman, God, I wish I could just grow a pair and come talk to me. Well, what's it going to be ladies? grow a pair? Or don't talk to me because you're the creepy guy.

What's it gonna be? Men are not gonna chance it anymore. Men are not going to come talk to you. If you smile and look at them, unless they're really good at this game. Now the guys who are really great at picking up women, yeah, they're gonna come over and talk to you. And they're going to be the guys who are really great at picking up on women.

Regular guys aren't going to risk it. Say you have to Be this huge, wide available friendly opening, what you're basically letting them know is, hey, if you come talk to me, you're not going to be in trouble with me. This is a welcome conversation. You might even actually have to talk to them first. And it's okay. Because it doesn't mean you have to ask them out.

You never have to ask anybody out. And I know that I said that this particular session was about real world. But this is why I love online. Because it's a safe place to reach out and talk to somebody. You have given permission, just by being online. So what are you gonna do out in the real world, you're going to go out there, you're going to pick up your eyes.

You want to be willing to be that opening, to actually have him be able to talk to you and not be in trouble. And then you're faced with having to say something. What are you going to say? Well, to be honest, you could say anything really. It doesn't have to be Mind blowing, it doesn't have to be amazing. It doesn't have to be perfect.

It just has to be the opening. But it might make you feel more comfortable if you've got some flirty one liners. So why don't you come up with like five flirty one liners that you could just lay down anytime, anywhere anyplace. You know a good opening in the right setting could be I would totally say yes, if you asked me out. Do you remember the old film knew our movies, the old black and white film noir movies. In the film nor movies there was usually some Dame and she was all dolled up in her dress pants suit and she had on the bright red lipstick and curly tight hair and she was all perfect and cloth.

And she usually had a little monogrammed handkerchief that went into her pocket of her vest on the suit right. And in Fillmore sometimes should pull out that handkerchief and it oopsy Daisy accidentally drop it behind. And some men would come scurrying up behind and say, Oh, Miss, I think you dropped this. Oh, me, thank you so much. I want you to do that in the real world, but only with words, not a handkerchief. I want you to drop the handkerchief.

I want you to lay a line down and see if he picks up what you're laying down. It can be very simple. It can be as simple as How do you like your Audi A three? Or is this fruit sour? Or is it sweet? This isn't rocket science here.

You don't have to be hilarious or brilliant. You just have to create space. Okay, now getting your journal and I'd like you to write, where are you going to try and meet guys in the real world? What's your plan? I'd also like you to commit to paying attention to how many times Dates a month that you have for meeting people in the real world. If you choose not to internet date, that's fine.

But I want you to see how often are you actually dating? Are you dating twice a month, four times a month, eight times a month, or not at all. I'm going to meet somebody in the real world can be a huge trap. It's like a fairy tale that we tell ourselves, like, the one the one is coming. He's meant to be, and he's just gonna find me out in the real world. And I don't have to do all that online business.

It's a fairy tale. And I want you to have some reality and some facility with that fairy tale to look at it and see, is it really happening? Am I really meeting people in the real world? Or am I just counting myself? So I want you to commit to tracking. How many dates a month Are you getting from the real world and a little hint if the number is lower than three Not good, not good.

All right, and then come up with 531 liners that you could whip out at any old time. I'll see you in the next session.