Welcome back to ready for love. This is your final session, session number 10. In this short session, we're going to cover converting dating into partnership. And I want to answer women's favorite question in this area, the one that plagues women. How do I get a commitment is one of our favorite questions. It's one of the most asked questions I get, how do I get a commitment?

How do I get them to commit? Do you want to know the answer? I know the answer. I'm going to give you the answer. You don't. You don't get him to commit.

You pick somebody who wants to commit that you don't make him commit. And so what you do is you state your needs and the direction you want to go in and your intentions and you listen to see what his needs and direction and intentions are to see He wants to go in that same place with you or not. Then you watch his actions. You want to see if his actions follow his words. So you don't actually get him to commit. You want to pick somebody who wants to be with you and commence with you.

If you want an alpha guy, you want to let him lead. Even if you don't want an alpha guy, it's a good idea in this space to let him lead, because you want to see where he's leading you to? Is he leading you down the road to happily ever after? Or is he leading you into a ditch? Let him lead. Especially if you're in a place where you're ready for a relationship and maybe he's not quite there yet.

I told Dave soon after we started dating. I'm looking for a long term partner. I just need a commitment but I Don't need to be married. I've been married. I know what that's all about. I don't need that.

And I certainly don't need to lock anything down right now. And after 121 days, clearly, I'm not interested in settling, I can wait it out. But I know we're in really different places. I'm not just looking for anybody. I'm looking for the right match for me. I'm willing to wait.

But here's the thing. If you can see at any point that you're not in the same place or direction as me, let me know and we'll stop dating and we'll just convert this sucker to a friendship. So you just want to let them know, my intention is eventually I want this. Are you on the same page as I am? A lot of women listening to this recording are going to be over 40. So I want to speak to you for a minute because what I have seen in the past couple of decades, is men over 50 many of them are coming out of marriages or they never Got Married?

And they're declaring, yeah, they're not doing that. They're not marrying again, or they're not marrying ever. Do you need to be married? Because if you do, and he says, Yeah, I'm never doing that. Your job is to believe him. Instead of thinking that one day he'll love you so much, he'll ask you to marry him.

You want to look to see Can I be with someone who wants a committed partnership, but is never gonna marry. And don't try and flip the guy who says he's not interested in that, no matter how cute he is. So let him lead, see where he's leading you to. And don't try and put in structures where they just don't fit. If he's not ready for that. And as you move from being single to exclusive, you want to continue to let them lead And you also want to let him know if you're only in it for fun, that that's what's happening for you.

So he doesn't get confused and think you're in a relationship when you're just dating for fun. Until you've had the we're exclusive conversation. Single is single. So you can do what you want with whoever you want, as many whoever's you want. Not his business, your personal business. And the same goes for him.

He can do what he wants. What do you want? The world is his until you have a conversation about exclusivity. You don't want to be loosey goosey about this. If he's acting committed and calling you as girlfriend, but you haven't had that discussion, you want to be clear about it. And you want to talk it all the way through.

Because there's no default right answer to what exclusive looks like. If you're dating exclusively. Does that mean he has to take his profile off of Tinder? Does he need to delete it completely? Does mean, he can't be friends with people? What does that mean to you, you got to talk this all the way through.

If you're still dating and he's on an app or a dating site, you want to hide his profile from your view. Either block it or hide it. Because if you're dating, and it's not exclusive, and you go on because you're going to visit him, because you miss him, and you want to go look at his cute picture and reread his profile and you get on there and you see that green light on his page. He's on there right now. Girl, that's not good. That'll flip you out, that will spin you out.

So no visiting his profile when you're dating. Just block it. Don't even check. If you're single, and you're not in a committed relationship, not your business. And you want to pace meeting everybody in his world. Don't jump on social media and friend each other right away.

You should friend each other When you're honest to god friends, or you're dating exclusively, one of those two things, but if you're newly dating, don't friend him. You know your friends, they say really obnoxious things. Can I admit something about myself? When my beloved ex husband got a girlfriend, they were friends on Facebook right away, and they were posting selfies of each other all over the place. And I was commenting up a storm. I had never met this woman.

My poor beloved ex husband was probably mortified. But yeah, you can have a friend like me, commenting and posting all willy nilly. You don't get to know if you can trust us. You don't know what we're going to say to your new person. So no Facebook friending no social media friending. Besides that, you might accidentally turn into a stalker and see who is friends with And who's that woman posting.

And what did she say and what does that mean and does she liked him and just Do you need to be careful of her? Don't use your time in that way. And you want to set your expectations around communication and texting and calling. He might want to hear from you once a week, you might want to hear from him five times a day, that's not going to work out, or vice versa. So just have a very simple, low key conversation about expectations. And you can even start that conversation with, hey, if you had it all your way, how many times would we be in touch every week?

Like that? I want you to remember that when you sleep with him for the first time, it's going to feel like you've lost all your negotiating power. Remember, that's not true. You should wait for the time that you're ready, that you're ready for that flush of oxytocin and that crazy bonding experience. Be ready for that and before you do Let him know the path you're walking on. Is he walking on that path with you?

Instead of I need to be married in nine months. Say I'm committed to being married someday. And if that's not something he's interested in, do you need to either let that dream go or let that guy go? Don't try and flip them. And you can start the sorting process by asking questions after a couple of weeks. But don't make everything about are we a match?

Are we a match? Are we a match? Don't forget to have fun. Because during that really uncertain time in the beginning, it's never going to be hotter than it is in the beginning. All that uncertainty causes all that lust Enos, all that. Can I get him?

Will I have him? Will he become mine? That's hot. You're never going to get that hotness. Again. Six years down the line is not going to feel like That, hell six months down, the line is not going to feel like that.

So enjoy the fun of the newness, the excitement, the risk, the challenge, it is trying to see if it's going to turn out. You want to enjoy that and don't make it a fact finding mission, too. Are we a match? Have you noticed that there's a complaint in our culture that men take much longer to commit than women? Do? I want to tell you what's really going on here.

And there's two parts to it. The first part is men, women commit very differently. Now I know I'm generalizing like crazy here, but hear me out. If this isn't true for you, see if you can see it in your friends. Okay. So how a woman commits is, she sees him.

He's hot. He's funny. She wants to do him. He has some status. Hmm, he might be a good package. And she wants to win the prize.

So she sets out to attract him and win him over and flip him and get him to like her. So she's out to win the prize. When the prize when, when the price when the price when the price, and then she lands him. I won the prize. Whoo. And when she's won the prize, she looks at the prize.

And then she decides what she doesn't like about the prize and what needs to change about the prize. So a woman will agree to a commitment and then look to see what she needs to change. So she only partway commits, she commits to the things she likes and commits to changing the parts of him. She doesn't like so, Okay, wow, I got him. I landed him but oh god the way he dresses. I'm going to need to fix that.

And he chews with his mouth open. gotta fix that. Oh, He can't, he can't be out with his friends out late all the time. I got to fix that. Men don't do that that much. Men take longer to commit, because they're looking at, can I accept the whole package?

Can I accept that she laughs too loud that she is a little bit obnoxious, or that she is too quiet or whatever it is, right? So he's looking at the whole package. And can I commit to that? The way she spends money? Can I commit to that? So they take longer because they look at the whole package.

A once they commit, they're in and you could be at a party with him and you're across the room, laughing loud and talking to people. And a friend might walk up to him and say, oh, that Sally that laugh that laugh on her. And he'll turn to him and say, yeah, it's adorable. Right? I recommend if you Do it, try and be more like a man in this space. It's one of the reasons that it took me 121 for states to get today.

Because I was committed to pick somebody that I didn't have to change. And there were a lot of things to change out there with the men I was dating. So I picked one I didn't have to change. Try picking one that you don't have to change, because men don't change. And if they do change, you don't respect him as much. And he resent you a little bit.

And there's distance and a lack of affinity. So pick one you don't have to change How's that? It might take a minute more but you'll be better off. Okay, so that's one part of why it takes men longer to commit. The second part is accountability. So masculinity equals accountability.

You already know this because you're masculine at work, right? You got your CEO hat on, you're running around the office, you're accountable for all kinds of shit. So you know that when you're driving things home and you're CEO mode, you're accountable. masculinity, masculine energy is accountability. So if a guy asks you out, he's accountable for that date turning out. He's accountable for showing up.

Hopefully earlier on time. Getting you through the date, having a be a pleasant experience for you. Hopefully you pick the place that you like. extra bonus if it made you happy. He does all that. He won the game took you out on a nice date.

You were really happy with the outcome. He was accountable for a date turning out it worked. Yay. So casual dating is a man is going to be accountable for every date to make sure it turns out, okay. So he's committing to saying, Yes, I want to take you out on a date and have it go. Well, that's all the commitment that he's doing right there.

Now to be your boyfriend, that's very different than casual dating. If he's casual dating, he's only responsible for you on the date. If he's your boyfriend, he now has to check in on you and your well being throughout the week to see how you are in between dates. So maybe once a day, maybe twice a week, maybe by phone, maybe by text, whatever it is you need, right? So boyfriend, way more accountability than casual dating. He's got to make sure the dates turnout but also make sure you're in good shape, feel yummy and connected all week long in between the dates.

So he'll look to see do I want to be accountable? For that, maybe all right next step up, beyond say, Oh my gosh, fiance has so many more accountabilities and boyfriend when he's your fiance. Now he has to go to Ohio a Christmas time and he hates the snow. But a fiance goes home for Christmas to the extended family and husband or long term committed partner. Way more accountability than fiance. So with every level of moving up the relationship escalator, you just want to move up the escalator but he's having to factor in, is he willing to be accountable for all of those steps?

And then in order to marry you or to partner with you, there's something else a man is going to consider how in what way And how much are you going to try and own him? What are the flavors of ownership that you're going to bring to this relationship as a partner? He's going to assume you're going to try and change him. And he's going to assume you're going to try and own him. And men love freedom. They do not want to be owned.

So he's gonna look to see, she's really great. She'd make a great wife. But what are the ways she's going to try and change me? And what are the ways she's going to try and own me? Okay, she's definitely going to change the way I dress. Good.

I dress terribly. I don't care about that. I'm going to let her manage that. That's kind of a bonus. Really? Yeah, I can commit to that.

She's gonna try and own my time. She already has honey do list. I don't know about that. Well, I think I can commit That, Oh, she wants to own my Saturdays like all of them forever. I like to ride centuries, hundred mile bike rides with the guys. She's going to try and make sure I don't do that anymore.

So he's gonna weigh all this and see is he willing to commit to that? is he willing to let that happen? Or is he willing to have the fight to see if that's not going to happen? So you want to be really straight about what your intentions are in the space. What you're going to try and own. Don't try and slip it in later.

It will not work well for you. I know a woman who fell in love with a producer. He was from England. He had done a lot of really high end producing band brought him over from England to America to produce their record because he'd done such amazing work on really big names in the UK. And he came over here and he met a really beautiful woman. And she lived in Sonoma, California, which is a little tiny wine country town where nobody lives.

Not producers anyway. 10,000 people with their only one producer. So she meets him she falls in love with him. He falls in love with her. They get married. And she says, Hey, so I know you're a producer.

And you've spent your whole career flying all over the world to produce records. But I don't want you to do that anymore. I want you to stay at home. I don't want you traveling like that. I don't want you in a recording studio for a week on end. This friend of mine sales wine in a retail store on the Sonoma Plaza.

He gave Give up his big shot producing career, because she needed to change him. It breaks my heart. Don't do that. Be upfront about what it is you want to change, and do your best to pick somebody that you don't have to change. And if you're really wanting to know about true partnership, you got to jump into my next program where we can talk about ownership. Okay.

So he's looking at those two things. How much of a commitment Can I be accountable for? And how much can she try and change me? So when he does commit, when you're committed, I want you to really think through what it is you want. Create something completely amazing. That works for both of you.

If you need to be married, cool, you should be married or you could live together Or you could live in apartments one block from each other. Do you know I know a married couple. They've been married 45 years. They live in Pacific Heights in San Francisco. They have maintained one bedroom apartments, each one block from each other. very happily married.

Weird, right? You could have side by side duplexes. You could have separate wings. You could share a bed. You could be monogamous. You could be polyamorous, you could be in an open relationship.

You could have him be the stay at home Dad, you could bring home the bacon. Nobody gets to judge. All right. We know people are gonna judge like crazy, but nobody gets to decide how you run your partnership. Whatever I'd really love is if you were willing to be honest about what You need and what he needs and design from there. care about the substance of what you're creating, not the form that it takes.

The substance is where it's at. Okay, we're gonna wrap up here. I want you to remember to take really good care of yourself. Keep in good dating shape by taking breaks when you need them and having a dating buddy that will help you get back on when it's time. be efficient. Don't waste your time.

If you haven't already started, get in there. start dating. Don't settle. And don't stop until you meet your love. They're out there. You only need one.

So what's next for you? is if you haven't already, you might want to come join our private Facebook group of graduates of this workshop. The women in that group are amazing. They'll support you in your dating process. They answer questions for each other and give each other advice and virtual hugs when you've had a bad experience. If you're still trying to figure out what it is you're looking for, please come to finding your love.

You can use the code FY l 20 to get 20% off. And then once you're in a committed relationship or if you want to learn more about partnership, please come to happy in love next. See you around.