Welcome back to ready for love. We're at session number five. And in this session, we're going to pick up right where we left off on that first date. I'm going to cover what else you want to watch out for. What do you want to look for? What are you going to do about paying for dates?

I'll get you all the way to the end of the day. How's that? So let's get you started on some of the things you want to check out on a first date. For the first half of my experience of dating 121 different men, and the very first half of that hundred and 21 first date experience I did dating one particular way and I want to share it with you because it's a very common way to date. And about halfway through my process, I shifted, and I started paying attention to something else. And I want to share because it can help you sort properly right out the gate.

Okay, so if I didn't like him, my guy didn't care. Didn't matter if I wasn't sure if I liked him or not, I didn't have that much to lose. Also still didn't really matter. That if I liked him, if I really liked him, I would watch for. Am I attracting him? Is he attracted?

Has that ever happened to you that you're focused on? Is he attracted yet? Is he attracted enough? When we go on another date, we'll worry about what to wear because we want to attract him more. Does that resonate for you? The main focus was on how am I doing at attracting him.

And about halfway through that process, he made the shift. Instead of paying attention to Am I attracting him? I started paying attention to me. I started paying attention to what was going on over on this side of the table. Instead of saying to myself, am I attracting him yet? I would say to myself, How am I feeling?

Am I feeling pretty? Am I feeling funny? Am I feeling known? Can he see me? Is he seeing the real me? Am I my best self with this one?

So shifting from is he attracted to me too? How am I doing over here can give you a lot of really key information in the dating process. If you're having to spend a lot of time getting your point across or being known, or if he's misunderstanding you, you might want to move on. If you are not feeling pretty and you're working on flipping him, yeah, that usually doesn't end well. One of the biggest mistakes we make is over contorting because we like him too much. We feel like with him, there's a lot to lose.

So we'll try and flip him Get him attract him, attract him more. that never ends well. Then there's the opposite of that. Maybe you're not that attracted. Have you ever noticed that there are some guys who will grow on you? It can happen for us.

It doesn't happen all the time. But about 20 30% of the time, it could happen. He could grow on you. So you want to give him the chance to see if he grows on you. And how do you do that? How do you figure out if you're going to give this guy a chance?

Even though you're not all that attracted? How do you know who to give the second date or the third date to and who to pass on? How you know is you want to see, first off how much do you like him? I mean, really, really like him? Do you have resonance with him? Is he funny?

Do you respect him? Is he amazing? Like really amazing, and you just wish you were more attracted. Maybe he is the whole package, but he's a little shorter than you wanted a little bolder than you wanted a little older younger than you wanted. Like that. Maybe he is really cute, but not your type.

Give him a chance. You want to see, do you have resonance with the sky? One of the biggest lessons I learned on 121 first dates is that I could date outside of my type and have a great relationship. But what I could never do is date outside of my tribe. Okay, what does that mean date outside of my tribe? your tribe is the people you resonate with the people who have similar worldviews or you see the world similarly, if you look at your friend group, you can see the similarities.

Maybe there's a set of characteristics that you share with your friends. Maybe your friends have similar values. Those are people in your tribe. You don't have to be the same ethnicity, or the same age group to be in each other's tribe. Do you share similar values? Do you share a similar sense of humor?

Is it easy for them to see who you really are? People in your tribe can see you. So you might be wondering if I don't feel immediate chemistry, how long do I try and hang out to see if chemistry shows up? Should I even give this guy another chance? You want to ask yourself, does he have qualities you admire? Is he funny?

Is he a lot like your best friend? Do you to have enough material to go the distance? Are you from the same cultural neighborhood? Again, not race, not age. But do you vibe you could always use the old laundromat test what The laundromat test Wendy, well, let me tell you the laundromat test is what would happen if the two of you accidentally got locked into public laundromat, over, say Memorial Day weekend. And all there was in the laundromat was a bathroom and a water machine and snack machine.

At the end of those three days, would you still like each other? We do have material, or would you be ready to get the hell out of there and never see him again? laundromat test chemistry is great knowledge and you should have that in your romantic relationship. But commonalities and resonance are the most important part. Because like the laundromat test in real life, when you partner with somebody, you're not going to be in thousand count sheets. Every day of the week, you're going to be doing mundane tasks, you're going to be doing laundromat tasks for decades, you're going to spend a ridiculous amount of alone time with each other.

So Do you have the material to go the distance? Now, let's say you're not sure if you like him, you're going to give him a chance, you're going to see if he can grow on you. And you start dating him and you're not sure you're not sure if you like him. But then something happened. He really likes you. And with every date, he likes you more and more and more.

And you've told your friends about him because he's really nice and amazing to you treat you really well takes you to all those fancy places. So now you're starting to feel pressure from them. They are amazed by where he's taking you. Unlike all those other losers that came before you should stay with him. He treats you like a queen. Now you're in a pickle because he's not growing on you.

That you're feeling pressure because of how much he likes you and feeling pressure from your friends. This is a trap. I know women who actually Married that guy because she couldn't see her way out of it. Don't stay because he likes you too much. So how long do you hang out? How long do you try before you bail?

You know, I don't like a rule. I don't like a hard and fast rule, you're going to need to check with yourself, but I would give him at least three dates. Three. My good friend Julie Furman is an internationally known matchmaker. And for every match that she puts together, she insists that the women go on at least three dates, because if she's not attracted at first, she'll usually flip by the third. Now, that's because Julie has purposely put them together.

She's a stellar matchmaker. You don't necessarily need to try that on your own. If your gut is telling you absolutely no on date one or two, but you might want to write it out, give it a couple of dates 345 but don't let it go on for months. And the truth is, you'll know After three or four dates, you'll know and where you're going to find that answer is in your gut. When you go to check it out, don't trust your heart. Your heart is the least predictable thing.

It can flip on a dime. Your head doesn't really know. But your gut knows. Check your gut. It's a super tricky balance, having to figure out when to give somebody a chance and when to let them go. And remember, if you are working too hard to impress him, or convince him You're amazing, girl, you need to walk right now.

That doesn't end well. So you're partway through your date. You started that day with a very friendly and connected How is your week? You've been listening 30 seconds longer. You're all yummy. He's sharing like crazy.

He's sharing about his life and his opinions and what's important to him and you're listening and you're talking and you're funny. At some point, you realize, Oh yeah, this is not my guy. You need to shift, you need to shift out of that really juicy, yummy energy that you've been giving him into the old way, the regular way the interrupting way the I'm hanging out with a pleasant stranger now, wrapping up this date. And if you can start to speak about wrapping up the date fairly quickly, because there is nothing worse than giving him three or four hours of your time. Being delicious and yummy the whole time thinking, having him think that he's killing it with you. And then at the end, you're not interested.

Don't do that. Don't give him a rug poll. You would hate that if that happened to you. Right? So once you determine He's not your guy. Stop being the best first date ever start shifting into different energy that is more pleasantries with a stranger.

Then I'm ready really connected to you. Okay? You'll be able to feel it in your energy. were one of our favorite topics, paying for dates. Oh my god. There are so many opinions about paying for dates, tons.

Some women, they expect men to pay. Some women expect to go Dutch. Other women want to be in charge into all the pain. Most women expect men to pay some men, a lot of men want to treat and provide and pay for the date. Some men would really like women to practice that whole women's liberation that we fought so damn hard for. But the bottom line is men get burned out buying a string of dinners for strangers that they're never gonna see again.

And men feel used when they pay, but a woman is unappreciative. And women feel diminished. If a man doesn't pay, we feel like we're not special. So it's a bit of a conundrum, right? Instead of looking at it from a who pays point of view, let's look at it from a math equation. Okay?

Let's say to find a long term relationship, he's gonna have to date 100 women 99% of those meetings are not going to work out. Now, I know that sounds like a lot, but hey, I had to go on 121. And men can date a lot more frequently and more than women do on average. So 100 is not out of the ballpark. Right? So if he has to meet 100 women, and let's say the average date is $100 a night.

That's $10,000 just to see if he has a chance at love. I have a question for you. Do you really want your man spending $10,000 on strangers Do you want that go You don't you want him to save that money for your down payment on your condo or the honeymoon or something? When it comes to paying one woman told me, she said, if he doesn't pay, it's like he's saying I'm not special. How do I know he can take care of me? I want you to consider on a meet and greet first date.

You're not special. You're a stranger. When he doesn't pay sometimes women think what a jerk. And we can be entitled about it. I know a woman who went on a date in Beverly Hills. He met her there.

They valet parked their separate cars, and he took her to an amazing show. A very expensive dinner, paid for everything. walked her to the valet didn't pay her valet. She was pissed. We need to manage our expectations from the very start. Now if you know him, and he asked you out or School style.

You might expect he pays. But if it's an online Meet and Greet, don't expect that. And I recommend that you do something really inexpensive. So if he does have to pay, it's not taking a bite out of anything, especially if you're not as girl. So a coffee date, a quick drink, maybe a walk around an urban lake. Free, close to free.

That'd be a kindness on your part. One woman once told me, I don't want to meet him for coffee. It's bad enough I have to meet him online. I want a fairytale ending. What am I going to tell my grandchildren that we met at Starbucks? How unromantic so every first date she ever had, she tried to make spectacular, just over the top.

And it took her a long, long, long time of dating and it was One point she was exhausted and wanted to quit until we decided that she could start her fairytale ending on date number two. If he offers to pay, your job is to be gracious and to receive. So don't expect it. Don't do the fake purse grab, right if you're unsure if you're going to do that fake purse grab thing. Instead you might want to ask him May I help? Or another way of saying it is, how would you like to handle this?

So may I help? Or how would you like to handle this either of those will work. Those are partner questions. If you want a man to be in charge, let him be in charge and tell you how he wants to handle this. Now if you want to be in charge, if you're the take charge kind of gal and you want to be in charge, then fine. You can grab the bill pay the bill.

Good, all good. But if you want him to be in charge You have to let him sometimes women want to show they're really spontaneous and generous. So they'll pretend to go to the bathroom and pay the bill. And like a surprise, that can backfire. That can seem controlling instead of generous for the men who wanted to pay, you just ripped him off of the opportunity to provide for you. So start with me, I help.

Now if he just says right off the bat, I got this. Don't fight him on it. Don't say Mary help. Say thank you. Appreciate it. So you want to make sure you think him?

Well, if he's paying, then you can thank him for the good company. You could thank him for the food. You could thank him for the atmosphere, or a combination. You don't want to thank him for the money. It's not about the money. for him.

It's about having a date turn out well for you. So let me give you an example. You're ready. You knew this. Jeff, thank you so much for bringing me here. The food was so good.

The scallops were amazing. I rarely get to order them because I don't trust that they're going to be big enough. But these were so delicious. Thank you. What a great spot you picked. And that conversation about chili.

Wow, I feel like we got derailed. I have so many more questions to ask you. What a cool adventure. Thank you for such a great night. Did you see what I did there? I not only thanked him for the date and appreciated what he provided.

But I also slipped in a ninja move of letting him know if you asked me out again. I would say yes because I still want to hang out and talk to you. And about the money that 10 grand one of my guy friends said Guess what? Okay. 10 grand is a lot of money. It can be hard, but you know what climbing mountains are hard and people do it every day.

Just what men do. So if he wants to provide, he does need something in return. He needs sex. Okay? No, I'm kidding. It's not the trade for sex, he needs appreciation.

And when you're dating, you don't want to just kick back and let him provide, provide provide. And you take take take take, you want to start to mix it up a little bit, you want to start contributing, and showing up like a partner. So maybe he buys dinner, but then you put a picnic together for the next week, or he buys dinner and you get ice cream, or you cook for him, or whatever, right? Like you start pitching in a little bit. And as you move forward, you can start to pick different activities where it's not all about him pain. And after the dates ended when you get home, either send him an email or a text, letting him know that you had a really great time and thank him For the date, this is an important move.

I was once told something absolutely shocking by a guy. He said, If a woman doesn't follow up after a date with a text or an email, he never calls her again. What? I was floored. Yeah, he needed a green light he needed to know it was okay. That she liked him and she wanted to go out again.

So, no matter what she said at the end of the date, if she didn't follow up with Yes, I'd like to see you again or Thank you so much. It was great to be with you. Looking forward to more whatever it is, you say in that text. He's not calling. Shocking, right. Okay, so I want you to journal.

What qualities do you love? Or do you value that you want to have it another mate? What qualities embody that people in your tribe Here's some examples. Are the people in your life? decisive? Are they introspective?

Are they people who are just funny? And the little annoyances of life big or small this roll off their back? Or are they more serious? As a deep? Do they love to learn things and grow? What are the different aspects of the people in your tribe?

I'd like you to write down at least five. Alright, I'll see you in the next session.