Hi there. I'm Wendy Newman. Thank you so much for being here for this series. I appreciate you giving me the opportunity to support you being in love. Because we all have different learning styles. And I don't know what learning style you have, I don't know your preference.

I provided videos with a slide deck and audios. The audios are downloadable for your convenience and you can use them when you're on the go. When it comes to learning about dating, what's natural for you to want to do is to employ a strategy. You know, like win the game. You gotta watch out for strategies in dating a strategy. It's gonna sell a book, it's actually not going to give your heart's desire.

Mostly, they don't work in the real world. I want to point out one of the biggest pitfalls to dating that strategy. I've seen a lot of good women do things in the name of strategy and fail. Have you ever heard of the book calling in the one? It's a really good book, except, except good women will do all the exercises in the book, painstakingly from beginning to end, and try and employ every strategy. And they're promised at the end of it, they'll find their love.

But then their love doesn't come. And what happens is they've done all this work. And then they blame themselves, not the strategy. So I try not to use strategies in dating, and I try not to use any rules. In fact, I'm probably going to be undoing a lot of rules that you've set up for yourself. Instead of rules.

I want you to care about what works and what doesn't work. And I'll give you plenty of tools, tools that will help you be efficient and effective in your own process. Since You're a unique individual, I want you to take what fits and use that. And just check all the rest. You know what you need. And I'm hoping to give you a lot of what works for you.

But the most important piece I'm going to give you is staying power. You might be wondering, what do I do if I have a question? You have two different options. You can write in a question to me at my ask Wendy column. And how you do that is you'd write Wendy at ask Wendy calm. And in the subject line, put question for column.

And then write your question. And don't worry about the length. I'll take care of editing it for the actual column. Or if you'd like me to answer it live, you can join the ready for love private Facebook community, and I come on once a month at least, to do q&a. And you and I can connect there and I can answer your questions live. I'm going to take a quick minute to introduce myself and then We're gonna dive in.

Again, my name is Wendy Newman. I've led hundreds of workshops to thousands of women since 2002. One of the things you want to know about me is I'm curvy, MSI 16. I married young, and I was in a long term marriage. And in midlife, I left. And that was a decade of being single.

I was single for a whole decade. And during that decade, I went on 121 for state to find my match. I tell you this because I want you to know, I'm not young, and I'm not thin, yet dating happens anyway. I met Mr. 121 in February of 2013. And we married on our five year anniversary, but you're gonna hear me refer to him as my partner, even though we're married. We live in San Francisco.

Like I said it took 121 to get to him. I don't recommend that for you. I don't want that. For you, I can't promise that you're going to meet your guy on the first date. But I don't want you to go on 121 some of the things you're going to learn are that don't do what I did lessons. And I do promise you more ease and grace in your experience.

I can also promise that the process will be a lot less painful. I'm going to give you some real insight here. If you'd like more background on me, you can find it in the optional recording at the bottom of the page. Okay, we are diving in. Do you want to know what makes dating hard? Your inner critic?

Your inner critic is the one who lives in your head. You know her? You know who she is. She has your voice. She criticizes you all day long. She talks about how you're not perfect and how you're failing at being perfect.

She tells you you're a crappy friend because you didn't return her friends call and she needed you the are a terrible employee because it's Friday and you didn't get through, you're stuck at work. You're a bad dog mom because a water dish is empty. She's also the one that tells you, you won't find him. You're never going to meet him. Because you're too old. too fat, too successful, not successful enough to shy to outgoing, like that.

Your inner critic is not your friend. She pretends to be your friend. She pretends like she's helping you out. She's not she actually gets in the way of you being your authentic self. She gets in the way of you being in great shape. And she really gets in the way of you being yourself on a first date.

And the moment that date is over, if you really liked him, she's gonna recap the whole thing and tell you all the ways you blew it. She makes dating really hard. And I keep talking about her as if she's she and she's not you. And that can be a little confusing because I know when you hear your inner critic, she probably has your voice. Now, for some women, it's your mother's voice or some woman authority, but for most of us, it's our own voice. So it's hard to distinguish that internal voice that just seems like it's trying to help you out from your inner critic.

What you want to know the big secret is, if it's criticizing you, that's your inner critic, and she isn't you. She's no more you than your toenail is you. And she might be telling you that you're not ready to date. Maybe she thinks you need to lose five pounds, or 50 pounds. Before you can do this. Maybe you need to wait until after the holidays or when the work project is done.

Or when you're finished Doesn't need to so much. Don't listen to her on this. As you're trying to assess if you're in good enough shape to date, you just want to ask yourself, Am I in good working order? You don't need to be perfect. You don't need to have lost the weight. You don't need to have all your ducks in a row.

Caught. My ducks have never been in a row. I don't know about you. But you got to just ask yourself, Am I in good enough working order? Are you taking good care of yourself? Are you a happy single person?

Are you willing to be a happy single person? You're gonna need to be at least there in order to attract a good match for you. You need to be in good working order. So you don't just pick anybody or someone who's only willing to give you crumbs. So what is happy single person actually look like? It looks like you, getting what you need, getting things in your life and putting things in place that make you happy.

Maybe they're even things that would make you happy if a man did them for you, but maybe you can do some of these things yourself in the meantime, want to know a couple things you can do for yourself. If you like them, you could get a massage. And if you normally get a massage through a massage, who's a woman, you might want to just switch it up and try a man provider. There is nothing better than getting a therapeutic connective rejuvenating caretaking moment with your body by a man, you're in this safe therapeutic container. But you're still being tended to by that male energy. It's really delicious.

If you're going to pay for a massage, you might want to have a man Do you like flowers? Do you wish men would bring new flowers You could buy them for yourself. They're about 999 for a dozen roses at any grocery store, except for the week of Valentine's. Another way to tend to yourself and make you happy, is do things that would appreciate your body. Like dress it up. And when I say dress up, I mean in a way, that is an expression of your own sense of beauty.

Not anyone elses. And I don't mean on a Saturday night, I mean on a Tuesday afternoon, it could be putting on a new outfit that makes you happy, or getting a new pair of earrings, or just finding ways to appreciate an accent your own physicality. Because when you date, you might be worried that you're going to get judged by your date. Have you ever worried that you're going to get judged by your date? Chances are you're going to worry that he's judging your body. Definitely happened to me.

When you take the time to accent your body. It gives you confidence when you put on an outfit that makes makes you happy, that's going to give you confidence. And you're going to be able to move past whatever they think and be comfortable in who you are. Another thing you can do to be a happy single person is do things that nurture your feminine essence. One thing you could do is dance. You could do it in your room to your favorite singer.

You could take a class, Tango Suba pole dancing, whatever moves you even five minutes of hip circling up against the wall in your bedroom in the dark, that can go a long way. Whatever honors your feminine divine, sensual self. I'm telling you to dance so you can climb into that delicious body of yours and have access to your femininity. Your receptiveness and your openness depending on what kind of a woman you are out in the world on what you want to create in terms of a partnership, it's going to help you decide how you want to show up on that date. So if you want to run the show in your relationship, if you want to be in charge, if you want to take charge of everything, if you want to have the CEO hat on in your marriage, then you don't need to do the dancing.

You can show it masculine, you can ask him out, all good, perfect. But if you want a masculine man, a take charge guy, then he's going to need to see your feminine. masculine women are going to naturally attract wounded, weak or less masculine men. And many of us are running around in our masculinity all day long. A lot. We've got our CEO hat on, it's how we get shit done in the world.

It's how we produce results. So you might be thinking, Oh, great, so if I want to masculine guy, I got to now be feminine on top of being masculine all the time. How the hell am I going to do that? How do I flip the switch after I've just worked a 12 hour day in masculine mode? Want to know how this is it? Your accesses to dance?

I'm telling you that five minutes, slow grind hip circles up against the wall in your bedroom will do the trick. Another way that you can nurture your openness and receptivity is by bringing men into your life. Let them make a difference for you. Let them be kind to you. Let strangers open doors for you and flirt with you. You don't have to do anything about it.

You can just enjoy that attention and notice your receptivity. Right in the middle of my dating process of 121 first dates, I noticed that my best friend Leslie was sitting on a mountaintop and a very small town in rural California. Not dating anybody and I was working about her, you know, it just, it felt like she was up there. Not doing anything. And I asked her on the phone one day I said, Honey, why aren't you dating anybody? Why don't you want a boyfriend?

Now, as my best friend, she was really kind to me. She could have said, cuz I'm watching you fail at it and it doesn't look all that appealing. She didn't. She said. She said something profound. She said, I feel like I have dozens of boyfriends every day.

I'm actually pretty full. I don't need any more men in my life. And I said, but you're not dating anybody. She said, I know. That every day I leave the house. Anyone I do.

I let every man I see contribute to me, starting with my next door neighbor who's shoveling the snow off my walk as we speak. When I get down to the local cafe, the manager always gives me extra in my coffee. And doesn't charge me for it. Men are always opening doors for me. And then the two guys at my local grocery store, always take the time to joke with me and make me laugh and give me suggestions. I feel like I have dozens of boyfriends every day.

And she didn't date for a very long time. And one day she went to coffee with a friend off the mountain and never left his house. They've been married ever since. But I think that her success was because of the fact that she had a ritual. She had practices where she led men into her life every day, and she didn't shut down. She was receptive.

She was open and friendly. So you might want to take that on as a practice. Let people contribute to you. Let people help you have a great day and be generous yourself. Now, I only gave you a couple of ideas, buy flowers, get a massage, that sort of thing. I want you Take a pause here for a minute or two, and write down your own Best Practices for Taking really good care of yourself.

What do you love? What nurtures you? What's gonna bring you happiness and serenity, and peace and openness and play? Write down things that can fill you up in that way. Do you know that most women don't know how to date? If you don't know how to date, you're not alone.

We say yes to the cute guy standing in front of us. And then we're just serial monogamist that's how it usually goes. We don't look for a good batch. Instead, we think, oh, you seem great. You're really cute. You're in front of me.

Let's do this thing. Dating is learning how to distinguish. Is this the right person? For me? Is this a good fit for me? Can I live with who he is?

Or do I need to fix him or change him in some way? The big three secrets to dating success is to get started. Don't settle. And don't stop until you get your heart's desire. That's it. So to start the process, you need to pick the ways that you're going to start to date.

You're going to date online. Are you going to ask friends to set you up? How about Friday night, happy hour at the pub. Go down to the financial zone at 545. See what's going on. group activities through meetup calm or somewhere like that.

Whatever you choose, you want to get on a roll and stay on a roll. When I first started dating, I did what most of us do. I said yes to the cute one standing in front of me. And I did that two different times and it ate up seven years of those 10 years. With both of those men, I knew full well. They weren't a good match for me.

They weren't a good partner, but it was better than being single. I don't want that for you. After that I got smart about dating. And I wanted to see, is this a good match for me? I used everything available at my fingertips, but mostly I ended up using online dating sites. And once I got online, I did a lot of dates in the very beginning.

So I did 27 dates in three months. That's a lot, right. 27 first dates in three months. I had several second dates in their third dates. It was a very busy summer. But the first thing I noticed was, I didn't want to really start dating before the 27th came along.

I didn't want to, I didn't feel like it. You're probably not going to feel like dating. It's kind of like doing your taxes. It took something on my part, some motivation to say yes to a total stranger, clean myself up, figure out what to wear, go meet them. When really law and order reruns and my dog way better choices. My dog is excellent company.

I mean, come on, look at that pitcher. Who wouldn't want to stay home with that. But when it came to the first 27 by the fourth date, because they were so close together, I got on a roll, you want to get on a roll. It became fun instead of dread. I looked forward to a fun night with a new person instead of is this guy wasting my valuable time, things shifted. And just like riding a bike, when you're on it for a long period of time, it's fine.

But the minute you get off for a while and you try and get back on. Ouch. So it's important to get on a roll and to stay on the roll. So remember, get started, be willing to not settle, be willing to not quit. And something that's going to help you not quit is a dating buddy. I'm a big fan of the dating buddy system.

I had three, I recommend that you get at least one. But if you can have more, more is better. Now, my three dating buddies, they didn't live in my town, they didn't live anywhere near me. So don't use the excuse that you don't have anyone near you. All they have to be is people, men or women who want what you want or something similar. And you can have a relationship over the phone or over video chat.

Even over email if you want. So what's the dating buddy for? You're there to support each other. Your dating buddy is going to listen to you is going to love on you is going to restore you from terrible dates. You want to make sure that they could say anything to you. I had a dating buddy.

His name was Robert. He was really amazing. He lived in Seattle, and he could say anything to me. And one of the things he said to me what I was trying to complain about my latest date was he said, Honey, it's not him. It's you. You're burned out.

You're crunchy, you're crispy. It's time you take a break. So you gotta allow your people to be straight with you to call it like they see it. He said, I know and love you. And no man can actually see that you I know right now. You're too bitter.

And then he said, dating is not linear. So you need to do something that is linear, to get yourself back in good shape. I don't care what you do go bake cookies. So a pencil skirt. I don't care. Go do something that has a beginning, a middle and an end and at the end of it, it makes you really happy.

Then we can talk about you getting back on the dating sites. So, have a dating buddy, who's smart, who will be straight with you, and who will help restore you. And who will help you know when it's time to take a break, and when it's time to get back on, and you can be the same person for them. Now, when I say they have to be like you, if you want to be married, I'm not saying that they should have to want a marriage to, but who is a terrible dating buddy is someone who doesn't want what you want. So let's say you want to be married, but the girlfriend you want to pick for your dating buddy just is out there playing the field and never wants to settle down. That's not a good dating buddy.

And the reason why is because she's not going to be able to relate to your pain when it doesn't work out for you. So you want somebody who wants something similar to you. Maybe if she doesn't want to be married, but she's looking for a long term partnership. Yeah, that's close enough. If you want to be married In a long term partnership, do you know who makes a terrible dating buddy? married people?

Terrible. They have forgotten the single girl struggle, I promise you. I think it's like childbirth. They forget all the pain and agony and it's why people do it again. So don't pick someone who's married because they're going to give you really shitty advice. Like, just enjoy yourself.

You're single and free and it's amazing and just have a great time. And you'll want to punch her in the face. So no married people. So dating buddy wants what you want, is able to love you up, is able to listen to you is able to restore you is able to tell it like it is will help you know when it's time to take a break. And we'll hold you accountable for getting back on because sometimes we take a little break. And then eight months go by and you're like oh yeah, wait, was I doing a relationship.

Try To find a relationship thing was I doing that at some point in my life? One of the most important pieces of having a dating buddy is someone who can hold the vision for you for what you want in your life. She or he can hold hope, when you can't. If the person you're thinking about picking can't hold the hope, or the vision for you having love in your life, they can't be your dating buddy. Okay, I've given you a lot here. I have some homework for you before you move on to the next recording, you're ready.

This homework builds on itself. So you might want to grab yourself a journal or maybe use a Word doc or google doc or something like that to do the tracking. And I want you to start by writing at least five activities that you're going to adopt for yourself to keep yourself in great shape to really take care of you. The next piece of homework is I want you to go out and find a dating buddy or three. And if you really can't find one, then please grab the add on package for ready for love. The private Facebook group is going to give you access to hundreds of women, you're going to be able to find plenty of dating buddies right there in that group.

Next piece of homework, make a list of hurts and people who have hurt you. Now this can even be beyond dating and loving relationship. This could be men, women, your inner critic, your mother, your priest, whoever. Okay, I just want to say really great job and getting started and I will see you in session number two