Hi, welcome back to ready for love. Welcome to session number six. In this session, we're going to talk about sex. And how I want you to listen to the section is through, what is my best practice? What's going to be right for me. Now, when it comes to sex, everybody judges, you judge, I judge your best friend judges.
We're just judgey judgey assholes. This part you just want to judge for you. And don't worry about other people judging you. You don't need to share your history. You get to use your own best practices, and just work with what's right for you. There are going to be some things that we talked about, that you might not feel fit for your life and that's okay.
You just want to listen, feel free to judge along the way and take in information and what doesn't fit you can just leave behind. In this session, we're going to talk about what to say about your past. And if you're dating someone newly what to say about the present, if they're asking about who else you're dating, we're going to talk about navigating when to have sex for the first time. So it turns into a real relationship. It's one of woman's favorite questions. And I'm going to tell you how you can tell a man anything about how your body works.
Anything you need to say before you have sex for the first time, all that business. And then we're going to have the uncomfortable conversation about testing for STI eyes. For some of you, that'll feel like an hour. And for those of you who are interested, I'm going to leave you off with friends with benefits. I'll give you the pros and cons of that scenario. When we're dating a new person, we're often worried about how much to say about our past.
And you know what, sometimes they even ask, have you ever been asked what's your number? What a rude question that is why would anyone ask that question? That question is none of their business? If your answer is zero, or one, or 11 or 111 311, nobody's business. The only information that you need to give a new sexual partner is something that would affect their life. So if you have a permanent STI, yeah, you need to disclose that.
But what you've done in your past, that's nobody's business. So if they think that a way to become intimate partners is to get all the juicy details from your past, I recommend you shut that down. Because the majority of men they can't handle it. It kind of breaks my heart. It makes me really angry. And so one of the things I get really ranty about is men's inability to With the or sexual creatures, that we had a whole life history before they ever came along.
Now if you want to do a deeper dive to see how a man could respond, watch the old 80s called classic Chasing Amy. It's a really great example of how the information about our sexual history can just twist up in their brains. So if a man asks you, hey, so I really like dating you. Are you dating other people? You don't need to answer that. Whether you're sleeping with them, you're making out with them.
You're not sleeping with them. Single is single. It is none of their business. None. If they're asking you, if you're seeing other people, you can actually just turn that around and say, so are you asking me to be exclusive right now? that'll probably have them back off to how much to say about your past.
How Let's sheers talking about your current dating life. Very, very little. We sometimes feel like if we're not sharing all that information we're withholding, which is a form of lying, that you don't owe strangers, anything on you. You just don't. And even if he becomes your boyfriend, he's still not entitled to your history. That's your personal history.
They call it personal history for a reason. We think they need to know, but they don't. Some men, and there are very few exception men do like to know they think it's a turn on. You don't know if you have that guy. They usually slap the label on themselves, which is sex positive, and they want to know from a player perspective, they want to know because I want to please you. I would tiptoe through to make sure the information that you're imparting isn't going to trigger him and the way you can do that is to talk about what you want to do with him in the future.
In other words, don't bring it up from the past. Now if he is asking you a question from a player's perspective, Hey, what are you like? What are you into? What's your favorite position? You could answer that question. But you want to be really careful to answer it in a way that you're with him in the answer.
Let me give you an example. If he said, What's your favorite position? And you said, I like doggy style. What he now pictures is you in doggy style on all fours with a conga line of men behind you. I'm telling you, it does something nutty to their brain, it twist. So instead of I like doggy style, you could say I would like to try doggy style with you, keeping it in the present or in the future with him.
So your first best practice around this I would recommend, say very little, very little to nothing, have your private life be private. And if he wants to be exclusive with you, then you can have that exclusivity conversation. But he still doesn't get all the information from your past. He's not entitled to that. Next up, we're going to talk about how to navigate when to have sex for the first time. So it turns out well, you know, it's one of women's favorite questions.
It's a question I get all the time. And it goes something like this. So I'm dating this really amazing guy. He really likes me. I really like him back. I think he might be the one.
How can I make sure that this can turn out into a real relationship? How many dates Should I wait? Like the strategy? Now, there are all kinds of strategies in books everywhere for decades now, that will tell you the right number. It's almost like we feel that all men on the planet have a right number, but they just won't tell us Ruud right? Now in the 90s, there was a book called The rules.
Terrible book, by the way, terrible. I have to undo so many of those rules. But one of the rules in the rules book is wait three dates. So for ever and ever for the longest time in the 90s and 2000s. That was the third date rule. Everybody was preparing.
You bought your special underwear for the third date, right? Because that was the rule. Everybody knew they were getting laid on the third date. And then apparently, either it didn't work. Or someone thought it was a little bit too tart like and they came up with a 30 day rule sometime in the 2000s. That didn't last too long.
Steve Harvey wrote a book on dating and he came up with a 90 day rule 90 days. So what one is right, the three date rule the 90 day rule 30 day rule which one works? which one is right? Do you want to know the answer? None of them. None of them work.
None of them are the right answer. And the reason none of them are the right answer is because it's not your rule. It's Steve Harvey's rule. If you tried to live by Steve Harvey's rule, and you were ready at date five, but you still had 70 days to go to the 90 day rule. Not only is that going to be hell, that it's gonna feel very fake, very against the grain. authentically, it was there for you to do, but you're gonna throw authenticity to the wind to be strategic and manipulative.
Gross. Now, men don't think, oh, she's following the 90 day rule, because she means well She really wants this relationship to turn into something amazing. So she's holding off as a strategy for the greater good for our couple them. They don't think that they think, Wow, 90 days. She's gaming me hard. Game on.
You never want to have a guy think game on the minute a man says game on to himself. You have lost everything good. His interest in providing for you and protecting you and having your back. cherishing you gone. Your competition. It's a game.
Game on. While you're doing this for the greater good of the relationship. It literally feels fake, strategic and manipulative. Doesn't feel great or good. It feels manipulative. And that's why that happened.
Now, there are some guys who Yeah, they just want to tap that and move on. And if you're going to make them wait it out, they're going to be gone and they would have been gone anyway. Cool. And then there are guys who would wait no matter what, because they like you, and they think it's weird. And then there are guys who like you, and we'll wait and think it's weird. That will come to the conclusion that they don't want to jump through the hoops it's going to take to be with you.
This rule can backfire in the opposite direction. I once I was doing some research with a guy who's happily married, and he was telling me that when he was wife hunting, there were two women that he really liked that he looked at as potential wife candidates. And both of the women at different times in life had set up their own rules around waiting the right number of days. Yeah, he didn't marry either one of them because Because of that very reason, what he said about it is I could feel she was ready. I knew I was ready. But she was holding out for some form of strategy.
And you know what? I need sex. And I'm not gonna marry somebody that I'm going to have to jump through hoops for to get my basic needs met. If I can't get them from her now, certainly not going to be able to get it later on, it's not going to get easier. So the rules can blow up in your face. You want to find out what is your best practice and actually having a personal number probably isn't the right thing to do either.
Why don't you take it one relationship at a time and have sex when you're both ready? That's what men say, by the way, when the right time to have sex for the first time is when you're both ready. You know, I lead workshops for women about dating sex and relationships. And I have a man panel on Sunday afternoon. And that question is always in The stack of questions, we give them the questions on three by five cards and they read through them, pick which ones are going to answer. And I swear to you every single time, at least one guy will pull me aside and say, Hey, I have a question about one of the questions.
I know what question he has a question about. And he looks down at the three by five card and he says, okay, that says, when is the right time to sleep with a woman? So it turns into a real relationship? Is this a real question? Yes, it is a real question that plagues women everywhere. But men don't see it that way.
They just don't they don't think it's the hinge. That is the make or break to a happily ever after relationship. They don't live in the strategy the way we do. So you want to have sex when you're both ready. Now what does that look like for you? When you're both ready is when you're gonna be willing to go just a little bit nuts because of the oxytocin flight and it'll make you feel like you want to be his girlfriend?
That's a pain in the ass isn't it happens almost every time. So are you ready for that thing to happen? Are you ready to watch your phone for the text? Are you able to have all the adult conversations you need to about STI s and testing and all that jazz? Are you able to express to him what it is you need in order to have sex? Do you need a phone call the next day?
Do you need him to take his profile off of Tinder? What do you need? And are you willing to find out what he needs in return? Do you need a commitment? Some women sleep with men and hope they get a commitment on the other end of that. And often what we feel is we've made a huge mistake because we have traded our sex chip.
And once we make that trade, we feel like we gave him all the power. We have nothing Left to trade. But men don't see sex like a trait. They don't see it that way. Men are really weird. They think that sex is a fun thing to do with someone they like or love.
They don't see it as the hinge. The timing of it turning out or not. We worry about the when too early. You're a tart, slut. gave it up too soon. Good enough to sleep with not marriage material.
Our culture is lovely, isn't it? Or you waited too long. Too late. He went away before you got to have sex so he doesn't know how good you are. There's no winning on either side of the strategy. So the best thing for you to do is to figure out for yourself, what feels right for me.
When is the right time When can I have all those conversations? Now I want to talk about sex on a first date. I'm not telling you that it's a great strategy to have sex on the first date. I'm not telling you that. But I know a lot of people who had sex on the first date. In fact, I interviewed 100 people who were happily married, and 20% of them had sex on the first date, by the third date 35%.
And by the 12th date 72% 72% of happily married people blowing the Steve Harvey rule. I know a woman who had sex in a moving vehicle. Neither of them were driving. It was a first date. And they are the pillars of their community with two children. They've been married for 20 years.
No one in their community even knows. Just you and me were the only ones that know. So I'm not telling you for state is a great strategy. But what I am trying to break up is that there's a right way to do it. So it turns out, and I want to break that up for you. Because what happens is when it doesn't turn out for you, when he goes away, you beat yourself up.
Like if you had only timed it differently, it would have worked. Love, it wouldn't have worked. men say over and over if they went away, it wasn't the sex. Well, mostly. But it wasn't the timing. Rarely is the timing.
Most women want sex for the first time when we feel safe, and we're in a relationship. And most men need sex to determine if they can commit and be in a relationship. It's a bit of a conundrum. This is a PSA moment, a public service announcement. There's no fix here. There's nothing I can do.
And there's nothing you can do. So you're just gonna have to navigate that piece of best you can. Alright, let's talk about how you could tell a man, anything, like how your body works if it works in a specific way, or if your hormones are off or what the story is. So whatever is going on for you that makes you different than other women, you want to bring that to the conversation with enthusiasm. Yay. Wait a minute, what I'm going to talk about something that's not very pleasant.
But does it have to do with the fact that you're going to have sex with him? That's a good thing. Big Picture, you get to have a sex together. That's a good thing for him. That's a good day. That's a win.
So you want to bring up brightness, as best you can to even the awkward situations. So I'm going to give you a couple of examples. I might not cover yours, but use the examples I have to see if you can get a grasp on how to have the conversation you need. So if your body works in an unexpected way, Be happy about it. When I was leading a workshop, a woman raised her hand and I happen to know her personally. She was a energy healer, person, energy worker.
And she just had the saddest hangdog look on her face. And as her hand went up, and she said, I'm really embarrassed about this, but I need to share because I need to know how to deal with this. Anytime I have a new partner, I have to tell them the most embarrassing thing. She hangs her head down and she said, when I come, it's really big. It's really messy. It's really gross.
I'm bummed out that I have to deal with this. And it's embarrassing. I had so much love and compassion for her. And I had to hold back a smile because she's an energy worker. Oh my god. She beams light everywhere she goes, can you imagine having sex with her?
It's probably amazing. Cause she's gonna have a big orgasm. She has big energy. So my first tip to her was to solve the problem. You need to look, is there help to solve the problem? Are there aids that you can implement for whatever your thing is?
I happen to know that on amazon.com, you can buy sheets that will hold like something crazy, like 50 gallons of wetness. Buy those for 4999 or whatever they are. Right? And so she could actually come to that conversation with all of who she is slightly upbeat, and with the fix. So it could look something like this. Hey, so it looks like we're getting sexual.
There's something about how my body works that you need to know about when I come. It's really messy. I mean, it's huge. Probably more than any woman you've ever met. But don't worry. I bought sheets for this.
On Amazon. And so when we have sex for the first time, we should do it at my house, would that be okay with you? That would be how you could handle that. Or if you haven't had sex in a really long time, you might feel doubt about how that's gonna go. If it's gonna hurt, what your skill level is, there might be a lot of trepidation there. So you just want to have that conversation but still be a beat.
Because why he gets to have sex with you. That's right. So it could just go something like this. Hey, before we get intimate, I just think you should know I haven't had sex in over 15 years. And I don't know how it's gonna go. I'm a little bit nervous.
Are you willing to be with me for that? And then partner with him, see what he has to say about that. But remember, he gets to have sex with you. So he'll probably be pretty happy about that. If you're having hormonal issues, or if you've hit menopause And things are changing. You just want to bring it up very matter of factly.
Hey, so it looks like we're gonna have a sec soon. And it's important for you to know that I've already hit menopause. So I need lube. I have some you don't need to bring it. But I'm going to need to use it pretty much every time has nothing to do with you. I'm really excited to be with you.
It's just what my body's doing now. And if this is going on for you, you might want to Google stirring, stirring is a lifesaver. If you've had breast augmentation through cancer, again, you want to bring it with good news because he gets to play with your new breasts. Yay. And even if you didn't have reconstructive surgery, that's fine. Men are really great about that they want to be with our bodies as they are.
And if this has happened to you, my guess is you're probably not 19 so the men you're dating are a little bit older and they have way more capacity for this stuff. They're delighted to be with you. So you want to guide him around your body. Let him know how you receive pleasure now, if things look or feel different, good news. And if you have fetishes or kinks or things you love, most men are really excited to have that information they want to know. They want to know how to give you pleasure.
They think it's a kindness if you tell them. It's not a flaw. It's not a defect. It might turn out that you're not a match. But it's good to know now, right? When men said, We are way more kinky than you even know, but we just don't tell you about it.
We don't want to freak you out. For most men, more variety is a good thing. So take a moment. take a pause here, and journal. What do you need to tell your partner before you have sex for the first time? All right, you ready for the next part?
Sexually. transmitted infections. Ah, it's part it's gonna feel like torture for some of you. If you have something permanent, like hepatitis C or herpes or something like that you absolutely need to disclose before it turns sexual. But that doesn't mean you have to tell them on a first date. You don't know that person, a person to total stranger.
The only reason you need to tell them on a first date is if you were about to have sex with them on that first date. So don't tell them on a first date. Don't tell them in the middle of a heavy makeout session. That's not the time to reveal. The train has already left the station. You don't want to have to have an SDI conversation during a heavy makeout session because his dick is going to overrule his head and say Yes, he's not going to have a clear yes to that.
So I want you to tell him at a time where he actually has choice, not during a makeout session. And if you're going to need to tell him something, make sure you have the details. Have your STI how you're treating it? What are the odds of him contracting it? what the plan is to help prevent him from getting it? Be ready for his questions.
So it could go a little something like this. Hey, before it turns sexual, there's something about me that you need to know. I've had hepatitis C for the past 10 years. What this looks like is and then you give them the details, your odds of contracting it are you give them the details like that. Or you could say something like, I have herpes. Here's what that means.
Here's what that doesn't mean. And you should do some research. And here's a link. So if he doesn't know anything about what the odds of contracting it is, and what that means for his life, then make sure you give him a link that you've already road tested. Otherwise they'll just go Google and if you have to give any of this permanent STI information you want to be factual about it, you just want to be very Matter of fact, don't be emotional. Don't tell the big long sob story of how it happened.
It's unnecessary. You want to be as factual as I have brown eyes. You want to be able to say it that clearly, I have hepatitis C, or whatever it is. The very hardest part about it is you need to give him space, space to think about it, to research it to decide. And it's going to be a really vulnerable time for you and you're going to want to lean in for reassurance. This is not the time to lean in for reassurance, you're going to have to wait it out.
That if this happens to you, if you're a woman having to tell a man this, oh my god, it's such better news than the other way around. Men having to tell women have it much harder, because men are often willing to stay where a woman isn't For a lot of men, it's not a deal breaker for them. When I first started coaching after I was leading the sex workshop, I got a client who I just adored. She was really beautiful and she traveled a lot. She was in sales. And she traveled internationally.
And she came to me just in tears, and said, she just found out she had herpes. Now, she had been living with her boyfriend for a couple of years and had been apart from him for over three years. And she had noticed over the course of the years that on occasion, like about once a year, she would get one ingrown hair. And she decided to go to ob gyn to see why they happened and if she could prevent them, but it was just one ingrown hair. Who about every year? Well, she went to her ob and they said, Oh, that's not an ingrown hair.
That's herpes. And she said, Oh no, no, I've seen pictures of clumps of what that looks like clumps of mosquito bite looking things. This is just an ingrown hair. The doctor said no, it's it's her base. Oh, what? She was mortified because she had no idea.
And she had had it for years. And she was beautiful. And she traveled a lot. And she had men in every port is a woman a very high integrity. She went away from the call trying to figure out what to do. And she decided that she was going to call every man that she could remember that she slept with, to let them know Whoopsie Daisy, so sorry, I possibly inadvertently caused you to be infected and you should go get tested.
So she calls me back a couple weeks later to report what's happening. And she was so happy, which was such relief after the call in tears, right? And she said, You are not going to believe this. I said what she said. I called every single man That I could remember that I slept with and told him that, oops, I might have accidentally gave you herpes. And she said in every single case, the men were really cool about it.
And every single case where they were still single, they said, Hey, so when you come back to town, can we get together? Oh, what? My jaw hit the floor. I was so glad I was on the phone with her. So she didn't have to see it. I couldn't believe it.
And I thought about it for like three days. It just tripped me out. I could not figure out what is the difference between men and women in this space? Because, girl, you know, if you got that phone call, you would not be asking when he's coming back into town. The store would be closed. And I thought about it.
I thought about it and I realized, do you remember how I defined for you that your inner critic is different than Amanda critic that we both have in our critics, men and women, that women have an extra special feature, which is the need to be perfect. That nagging perfection. And your inner critic would think that an STI, a permanent flaw in the nasty, nasty area of sex is just too far from perfection. She can't tolerate it. Amanda doesn't have that piece. So he'll have the ability to consider is this worth my risk where a woman just won't risk it.
So all that to say to you, if you have an STI that's permanent, Be glad you're a woman telling a man and if you're a woman listening to him and telling you that he has an STI, be generous, and be nice. Use your own best practices for what you're going to do about it. But it He's a person. So you want to be kind about it. This next section is going to be about friends with benefits. And I know it's not going to apply to everyone.
So if you're the type of woman that would never consider friends with benefits, you have the option of stopping the listening now, or you might want to listen on and watch your inner critic judge might be a good little science experiment for you. You're ready. So one of the hardest and most frustrating parts about being single, is you don't have anyone to meet your sexual needs. You've got desires, and you have no partner. And a Friends with Benefits scenario is something that some women turn to, and I want to talk about who might do that, and what it might be like to do that and with who you might want to pick if you're going to do that, and what some of the pitfalls are. You ready?
So the first thing you want to think of is, Are you the right kind of woman to be able to do it. Who do you need to be? To be able to have a friends with benefits, because it's certainly not for everybody. So are you the type of woman that can do it? I mean, really do it? Or does your religious beliefs or your spiritual beliefs or your personal beliefs, conflict?
Is it in direct conflict with your integrity, your spirituality or your soul? One marker to see if you're the right person to do it, is if you notice that you have judgment of people who do it, then you shouldn't try it. You shouldn't science experiment that out. It's not for you. But if you are the type of woman that can do it, you're going to need to be able to compartmentalize. In other words, you're going to need to be able to separate out any romantic notion that you have, that the two of you are going to live happily ever after.
With the reality of that it's a Friends with Benefits scenario, and that's going to end at some point. So can you compartmentalize the sexual experience? ances for what they are instead of having a fantasy about it. With friends with benefits, if it's a frequent friends with benefits, like maybe you see them once or twice a week, if it's that frequent of inexperience, you want to be ready to forego a long term relationship. Wait, what? Yes, yeah.
If you're not interested in a full time partner or marriage, Friends with Benefits might be perfect for you. If you're raising kids and trying to get your career underway and you don't have space for a full blown relationship, Friends with Benefits might do the trick. But if you're ready for commitment, or if you're ready for marriage, I don't recommend it. Because no matter how much compartmentalizing you do, no matter how much dating you do outside of your friends with benefits, if you're seeing somebody a couple of times a week, for a long period of time, a little part of your heart is unknowable. It's reserved for your friend. Whether you like it or not, no matter how much dating, you're doing.
Single unavailable, men can feel it. They know when you're hungry, and they know when you've been fed. There's just not enough space to have him see that you're available for that. This is probably one of the hardest and longest lessons I learned in 10 years of being single, the Friends with Benefits story, because after I left a marriage, I was never going to go without sex again. And so I wanted to be well fed. I went out I got a really great friends with benefits.
It lasted for years. He and I saw each other multiple times a week. It was like boyfriend light, it was great. And then when I moved, I got another one that lasted four years. And then I got another one that lasted two years. And it wasn't until I stopped having fun.
With benefits that I met my partner. Now, am I telling you that if you have a friends with benefits, you're never going to meet your partner? No, of course not. That's silly. And by the way, it does not to give me pleasure to tell you this, because me of all people, I want you to have all the sex you want. I want you to be able to swing from the chandelier is if you want to, I don't care, however many, as many as you want, as frequently as you want.
But what I'm expressing is the reality of you, taking your time, energy and love and affection. And parceling that off to someone, they have it in reserve. Men can feel it. What I'm talking about here, though, is the frequent ones. If you're seeing them once a week, twice a week. This is the scenario if you're just having a one off or you're seeing somebody once every three Three weeks or so, it's not going to be that big of a deal.
In fact, while it might drive you a little bit more nuts because of the oxytocin bonding flood, it's probably going to be a lot better off for you to see someone every once in a while, then a couple of times a week. So if you want to friends with benefits, but you're also looking for your husband or your partner, make sure you don't have the frequency in there. You need to be free and open in your sexuality. You need to be able to communicate tough things, uncomfortable things, painful things. You're going to need to be able to set limits and boundaries. You're going to have to maintain enough distance that you won't be fully heartbroken when it ends.
And it will end maybe even before you're ready. You're going to need mad skills of communication to negotiate the sucker upfront because you're going to want to get everything you want out of a friends with benefits. I can't think of any anything worse than a woman who wants a commitment, but she's gonna, quote unquote settle for friends with benefits. But then she doesn't get enough of what she needs from her friends with benefits arrangement. So she has an arrangement she doesn't want with not enough sex that she needs. That does not sound like a good deal to me.
You need to be able to communicate. So what do you need? Do you need to see him once a month? To create that space and distance? Do you need to see him once a week? What do you need?
What else do you need? Do you needed to see him outside the bedroom? Do you need to go to movies together? Have cocktails? Or is this just a in the bed situation? Whatever you pick, you want to get support.
Pick a good friend who's not going to be too judgy and you want to ask her if you can use her to offload all the crazy making that happened with the Friends with Benefits scenario. Because oxytocin will flood your system. And oxytocin is a bonding hormone, who's going to make you have delusions. The oxytocin bonding hormone will tell you that he's a great match for you and you should stay. You should figure out how to make him your husband. Even though he wants to move to Amsterdam, and you want children, you're going to try and make that work.
So you want to use your girlfriend to offload the crazy making. I had a girlfriend who, who before she left town out of friends with benefits. And he was moving off to Amsterdam, and she was moving to another state and so she thought, perfect, we're both leaving. Yeah, the oxytocin kicked in, and she decided that she could make babies with him and move to Amsterdam. Ridiculous. So you just want to watch all the all the delusions and the crazy possibilities that happen when oxytocin and dopamine are flooding your system and you want to have an outlet for that.
You could say Your girlfriend, Hey, can I tell you what my ovaries are saying? They're saying I shouldn't move, because we're meant to be ridiculous, right? You also want to be willing to fall in love with him. If you're seeing somebody once or twice a week consistently for long periods of time. Yeah, you're gonna fall in love with them. Now, if it's only a one off a once a month, math, not that big of a deal.
But no matter how well you compartmentalize, no matter how well you pick, if you're sleeping with somebody on a weekly basis, yeah, well, the party is going to be in love with them. So are you willing to go through that you need to understand there's going to be some level of heartbreak Are you willing to put yourself through it and you don't want to be your own best con artist about it because 95% of all friends with benefits scenario and again, potentially before you ever want it to So if you're looking at Hmm, I'm going to do it. Who am I going to pick? There are three different types of guys that you could pick for friends with benefits. And I'm going to tell you about all three. The first one is somebody that you really liked.
Oh my god, you so wish you could have a relationship with them. You dated them. You wanted to tap that? And he told you, yeah, I'm not going to be in a relationship with you. I don't do that. I'm not doing that.
We're not doing that. That's the most dangerous kind. The one you really wanted a relationship with, who doesn't want a relationship with you, but he's willing to sleep with you. girl that is the worst kind. You will be your own best con artist. You'll be trying to flip him.
Don't do it. There are two other kinds you can pick. Okay, maybe do it maybe tap that because you know it'll be hot but try and get out of that entanglement quickly. The second kind is the unavailable guy. Maybe he's unavailable for a relationship. Maybe he's uninterested in a relationship.
Maybe he's raising his children and building a business and going back to school and he has no space for the next five years for anything real. He's a pretty good one. He's a pretty good one, because the reality is he's just not available. So the dope the mean, and the testosterone that's trying to make that crazy making situation become a reality is gonna get blocked a little more easily. So he's a pretty good one to pick. The very best kind to pick.
The best kind of friends with benefits you could pick is someone who you and he do not have a matching future. Like you're just wildly incompatible. He's cute and all you want to do him that you don't want to live a life with him. Like maybe he wants to move to her room. remote village in China, and you never want to do that. I mean, if he said Hong Kong high rise, you might be in remote village.
No, he's a good one. Another good one would be someone who wants six children and you don't want any children, not a matching future. Probably not going to talk you into six kids if you don't want any right. These are the best ones to pick because when all the delusions from oxytocin kicks in, you can be really clear in your decision. Because you know, you don't want to move to China. And you know, you don't want to have six children.
So those are the best kind. So to recap, what you can expect from a Friends with Benefits scenario is you can expect to not find a long term partnership. If you're seeing them a lot during this phase. You can expect friendship, expect dealmaking so you can get your needs met. You can expect hot sex Expect oxytocin and all the delusions that come from that. You can expect falling in love with them.
And having an end, possibly before you're ready for it and friends with benefits is a great option for some women in the right circumstances. You can only use your best practices to see if it's right for you. You might be interested in knowing what it would take for a man to wait to have sex for marriage. That question comes up a lot. Is there any men who will actually wait for marriage to have sex for the first time? The answer is yes.
There's not a ton of them. But there are some of them. Some men are willing to wait. And there's something that you need to know. So you can be in partnership with him. If he's willing to wait until marriage.
You need to ask the question. What do you need? For me in order to give me what I'm asking for, and then you need to listen. And then you need to see if you can pony up what he's asking for. I know a couple who were engaged to be married and they were going to wait. They were going to wait until marriage to have sex.
But he said to her, look, I'm willing to wait until marriage but there's something that I need from you. I need to see if we can sleep together. Now, he didn't mean sex. He meant sleep like sleep, right? He had restless leg syndrome. He was a light sleeper.
He needed to see if it was possible that they could be in the same bedroom or not. She wouldn't do it. She kept getting mad at him. She thought he was trying to trick her to get her into bed. And he didn't marry her. How could he possibly marry someone who didn't trust him and couldn't partner with him to give him what he needed?
So some men will wait that you need to look to see what does he need in order to give you what you need? This session gave you the very basics of what you need to know in the area of sex, but I have so much more for you. If you're interested in knowing about open relationships and polyamory and how that can work, you can find that information online. At Wendy speaks comm under the advice section. I have a lot of different tools for you around jealousy around sexuality. And I have many columns that will answer pretty much any sex question you have.
So you can just look that up through Wendy speaks calm. If you want to free yourself of sexual hang ups, if you want to clear out your past, so you can look at what you really need to be powerful, sexual and sensual. Please come to my sex matters workshop. It's eight weeks. It's live on video. And it's about an hour and a half to two hours a call.
I have so much for you You can find that on Wendy speaks calm. Before you go to the next session, please take a pause and figure out what is it that you need to tell someone before you have sex for the first time. Please take a moment and journal now. I'll see you in the next session.