Welcome back to ready for love. Welcome to session number two. You know this woman right? Are you this woman right now? not mad. When she looks at a man, she wonders what bag of bullshit Am I gonna have to deal with with this guy?

She's been burned by men burned around the edges, like burnt crispy toast. Men are terrified of this woman. men know that when she sees him, she's really seeing that asshole that came before him. And she's just waiting for his asshole to show up. I want to give you a tool that will keep you in top shape for dating. Because you don't want to look like her You certainly don't want to feel like her.

And we can accomplish this with one very simple tool. It'll have you be a clean, new, shiny, fresh person for your mate. This tool is called hurt heart restoration. And it's very simple. This tool has gotten around. I didn't invent it.

I just borrowed it and modified it. I believe the original source is the nonviolent communication people. But I'm not really sure I know a lot of people who use it. So if this feels similar to you, if you've done something like this in the past already, that's a good thing. It's going to be much easier for you to learn quickly. Now, I learned this years and years and years ago, but when I first learned it, I hated it.

In fact, I thought it was stupid. I blew it off. I didn't do it for like four years. I thought Anything that easy couldn't possibly work. It seems stupid. I thought I was a really good self cleaning oven and that I could dust myself off and move on and be fine.

But after 120 first dates, I kind of felt like I had 120 men hanging onto my back. And so finally, I just felt so heavy I called uncle right at called a friend of mine who knew this technique and he was a man which was good because doing this process with a man can be really amazing. And we scheduled 60 minutes, we ended up turning it into 90 minutes and doing big group batches. That the very next day, I was a new person. I had a two year hurt from date number 60. And after doing this exercise, the Two years of that pain was just gone.

This like, out of my body gone. I like looked around to try and locate it gone two days after that healing with my friend. Yeah, I met Mr. 1:21am i a fan of this process. Hell yeah. And you know, it might have been coincidence, but I could literally feel the difference in my body. It wasn't just the timing.

So I'm going to share how this process works. The point of hurt heart restoration is to heal your heart. heal it from all the pain, disappointment, sadness, bummed out pneus sorrow that you might be holding on to from your past. And it's really easy. It's as easy as playing a game. Remember when you were a six or seven and you had gravitas?

Friend and you two would play games together and you'd pick characters, one of you would play one role and the other would play the other. It's like that It's that simple. In this case, someone picks the role of healer. And the other one picks the role of the person being healed. Now, just like a child, in this game, there's no accountability, and there's no logic. It's just a game.

What we're out to do here is we have to sneak past that amazing brain of yours, that brain that's logical, the one that tells you that you need to be accountable for your part and what happened. No, no, no, no, we're not doing that in this. There's plenty of time for accountability, and Cerebro thought leader. Right now, we got to sneak past your brain. And we also have to sneak past all of the guards at your heart so we can reach your heart and we can heal that hurt experience. So you pick someone gets to be healer, someone gets to be the one to be healed.

Now, the truth is, if you're the one that is playing the role of the person who's going to be healed, secretly, you're also the healer. Because the person who's playing the role of healer, they don't have any magic over there, out of the generosity, and spirit in their heart, they're going to hold space for you. They're going to witness the pain that only you can decide if you're going to let that pain be seen and disappeared. They don't get to decide that only you do. So you are your own healer. Okay, so let's say that you and I are playing the game called hurt heart restoration.

And you're going to be the one being healed. And I'm going to play the role of the healer. Okay. Now as the healer, I'm going to start by asking you are you willing to be healed from this pain? And then you'd answer. Are you willing to have this go away?

And then you'd answer. And if the answer was yes to both of those things that I would say, Tell me succinctly, in the most exact words as you can, what happened, and start by using his first name with me, what's his relationship to you? And then you're going to state the story, but you're going to tell it very simply, you're not going to tell me a five minute story of what happened. You're going to be very succinct bullet point like, and there's just gonna be one chunk of it. So let's say his name is Jeff. So how it would go is like this.

You'd say his name is Jeff. He was my date. And he hurt my feelings. And then you just say the simple statement right? And he hurt my feelings. When he dishonored me, when he made up that fake emergency call right in the middle of our date there, I was eating a lobster salad having a great time.

And he made up this fake emergency call. And he stuck me with the bill and he left. I was humiliated. Plenty of detail in there, right? But succinct. So what it might look like is hurt my feelings.

Disrespected, dishonored, he betrayed me. He abandoned me. He objectified me, made me afraid, made me feel unsafe, like that. And notice it's one thing, one moment in time, not a collection of stories, or a multitude of offenses. We can get to those one at a time. This isn't the 17 bad things.

That he did over the course of the relationship. Just one incident at a time. You're gonna have plenty of time to get to those other 16 offenses, I promise. Okay, let's get back to I was eating a lobster salad and I was humiliated. You ready? Okay, so the one who's being healed, says all that and then everybody takes a deep breath and as the healer I take in everything that she said.

And I give it back to her. Well witnessing empathetically experiencing and saying I'm sorry for what happened. So I just really feel her right and I say I am so sorry that you If dishonored you when you made up that fake emergency call, right in the middle of your date there you were eating your lobster salad. And you just made it up and he stuck you with the bill. Oh my god, I am so sorry that happened to you. I'm sorry.

He humiliated you like that. I'm sorry he abandoned you. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry that blank, hurt your feelings by blank and you want to repeat it back almost exact as you can, but still have a big unauthentic experience. So you can also say intuitive things that might come up. You'll notice I put abandoned at the end there.

She didn't say that I did. When you're done with that simple repeat back that first repeat back Don't take a breath both of you and say, is there anything else that you want to say about that? And she can say more if there's more pain there. Yeah, thanks for saying abandoned, I really felt abandoned. Yeah, I'm sorry, he really abandoned you. I'm sorry, he did that.

And then you can check in like on a scale of one to 10 if it started at 10, or is it now it's a zero to a seven. If it's a seven, there's still more there. So what else do you want to say about that? Keep checking in See if you can get it down to zero or two or something like that. And then you can also say, am I off. So if you offer something up, you can check into that fit for you?

Would you like me to use a different word? So if we get through the whole first round, and I say I am so sorry that Jeff dishonored you when he made up that stupid fake emergency. Right in the middle of your lobster salad. I'm so sorry. He did that to you. They abandon you.

He stuck you with the bill. That must have been so humiliating. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry. He broke your trust. Now she didn't say trust.

So then I could pause and say, Did that fit for you? No, it doesn't really fit because I never really had as full trust. He was our first date. But could you say that he didn't respect me? Yes, I can do that. So now you're just playing back and forth.

I'm so sorry that he didn't respect you in that moment. And then just keep checking in what else is there? And like I said, if it's on a scale of one to 10 it's seven. She might have more. And maybe when she gets done with one, now she can move on to the other 16 if we're talking about an ex boyfriend, right? Sometimes it's just one event.

Like being abandoned at the restaurant with your lobster salad. It's just one event. But sometimes it was a relationship. Maybe there's 17 offenses. So with one event, we can heal the heart with just one go round and a couple of back and forth until she's complete. But maybe what could happen with that same lobster salad story is she's not done yet.

Because she says and it just triggered me because my dad abandoned me when I was a little girl. You know, I used to pack my little overnight bag. It was pink and turquoise with big flowers on it. And I would pack it for the weekend when you'd come to get me I would sit by that door until 11 o'clock at night, he wouldn't show up. And my mom would put me to bed and unpack the bag and I'd have another day and it just made me see that all men abandon me. Okay, well now we're dealing with a whole nother thing, right?

So take a deep breath. I am so sorry that your father abandoned you. over and over and over again. I am so sorry. That your little girl packed a bag. little pink and turquoise flowers with her weekend getaway bag.

And you would sit by the front door with it and wait for him to come and he would never come. I'm so sorry for every time you You fell asleep at the front door, waiting for a man who didn't think you were important enough to show up for. I'm so sorry that happened to you. And I'm so sorry your mom had to go take you to bed and unpack your bag. That must have been so disappointing for you. What else about that?

And you know what, she's probably going to have more about that she might have more to say about abandonment, and trust, and all the other stuff and I don't matter and all the things that would come from a woman in that particular scenario, right. So you just want to either take the one event and tease out all the pieces to reach her heart to heal that one event, like the lobster salad. Or you might end up with the experience of it feeling more like a big ball of yarn. Every time you go back and forth, you're pulling out another string, and then you're pulling out another string and then it's connected to another story, that's going to pull out another string. You want to keep going until you unravel that ball. This is not about making the willing participant feel better.

It's not about making her feel better. Or saying that the other person should have never done that. Now, you want to be careful by saying that person should have never done that. Now with a lobster salad guy, you can probably get away with it. But if you're talking about an ex boyfriend or a family member, sometimes a woman will protect the perpetrator. So you don't want to have the tables get turned on, watch her protect him.

So be very careful of he should have never done that. And this isn't about accountability and logic. The whole rest of the world has time for that. But for this cific incident, we're just witnessing her pain that's in her little heart and helping her release it by having it be seen. Okay, your homework from this section, look at the list you made from session number one. All of the hurts and the people who hurt you, men, women, your inner critic, your mother, God, whoever, and get together with a friend, and teach them this practice.

And then each of you can take turns playing the role of the healer and the one who's being healed. do at least two incidents apiece and then take this tool with you for the rest of your life. Your work is never done here. If you have questions about how this works, you can bring them to the ready for love private Facebook group, and I can answer them in the live q&a sessions or I can demo them In a video live with you, I'll see you in the next session.