Hi this is Dr. Rich Piana and welcome back to session four. This is lecture two and you remember lecture one we talked about formal mindfulness training and meditation. In this lecture, we're going to talk about informal mindfulness training, and mindful sexuality. So we start with kind of a general intro to building attention and awareness through informal mindfulness activities. And then we carry that over into sexual and mindfulness. We talked about applying the same principles, but to comment sexual behaviors like masturbation, oral sex, and things like that.
Mindful foot massage, mindful back massage. So it starts to get more erotic as we progress through this lecture. And it's going to get pretty hot and heavy when you actually listen to the audios on the mindful sexual activities. So when we get to that part, I'll explain how we're going to integrate those other audios that I produced that specifically target sexual activities. So we have a lot of slides to go through, let me reduce myself and get started. Okay.
So when you're talking about developing psychological flexibility, we go back to some of the earlier sessions, I believe it was session two, when we talked about the AC coaching model. You remember moving from psychological inflexibility to flexibility. There were certain specific skills and techniques that we use. And one of them is mindfulness. And that would be contact with the present moment, is another way of saying mindfulness. So you could see that that's really the first way to start to move from being psychologically inflexible, to more psychologically flexible.
And if you want your clients to get unstuck and to be able to coexist with their people. pain and suffering and move forward. We have to use all of these skills. So let's start with mindfulness training. And let's talk about informal mindfulness training. Now really informal mindfulness training, just use this simple activities to help clients become more aware of the present moment by experiencing it with all five of their senses.
And it can be done as either in session work or as homework. Now, when I talk about informal training, we're looking at helping clients become more aware of the internal sexual stimuli that they have. Those are those sexual thoughts and personal scripts, mental images and emotions that they have, but also their external sexual stimuli, their specific sexual behavior, and their sexual environment. So in formal mindfulness training will help them focus in on and become more aware of both So let's start with a mindfulness in form of mindfulness activity that looks at what's going on inside the mind. And this actually revolves around helping clients become more aware of when they're judging and evaluating versus just noticing. And I remember we talked in session lecture, one in mindfulness training that, you know, mindful meditation is all about noticing without judgment, what's going on in the present moment?
Well, this is a way to help clients begin to do that to look at their thinking and look at their judging more than just noticing. So if you don't have the exercise, or the activity rather printed off yet, take a moment printed off, I'll get a quick drink. Okay, so what you want to do is you want to read each statement, your client Just have something to describe to society rather whether or not the statement describes or judges something, and just ask them to put a checkmark under either the description or the judgment columns. Now, don't read the answers to your clients in the key until they finish checking off all of the statements. Now remember, these statements are going to be sexual in nature and they're going to reflect the variety of components of sexual identity. Okay?
That woman walking down the beaches wearing string bikini, is that a description or a judgement? That woman is way too fat to wear any kind of bikini description for judgment. That man walking on the beaches wearing a red white and blue racing bathing suit. Description who judgement that man in the racing bathing suit looks ridiculous with his belly hanging out description for judgment. He has 10 pleated khaki pants On description or judgment can pleated khaki pants are so boring description or judgment. He has a large bushy mustache mustache description or judgment.
He needs to trim his mustache description with judgment. My first wife was turned on by both men and women, description or judgment. My first wife was bisexual How disgusting. Description were judgment. He likes oral sex a lot, description for judgment. Well, he ever thinks about his blow jobs, description or judgment.
She likes me to enter her from the rear when we have intercourse, description or judgment. She really wants to have sex with me because she likes me to enter her from the rear when we have intercourse, description or judgment. The average married American couple has intercourse two to three times a week. description or judgment. We don't have sex enough description or judgment. We don't have sex as much as we did when we were in our 20s.
Description or judgment. Something is wrong with us because we don't have sex as much as we did when we were in our 20s description with judgment, it takes me longer to get it up now that I am 60 than it did when I was in my 20s description or judgment. I am less of a man because it takes me longer to get it up now that I'm 60 vindictiveness in my description and judgment. Now we could go back and go through all of these. Let's just go through a few and just you know, we're kind of working our way through the different components of gender identity, obviously talking about who should wear a stream bikini or not, that's like body image related things. So that woman down the beach is wearing string bikini.
That's simply a description of what She has on that woman is way too fat to wear any kind of bikinis and judgment. Now, it's interesting because I've taken a lot of these from my own experiences to stand on the beach a lot because I live on Marco Island in Southwest Florida. And I find people that sit on the beach with me constantly make these kinds of judgments versus descriptions. And when I meditate on the beach in the morning, sometimes I meditate with my eyes open, and I will notice people walking by me that have all kinds of bodies and all kinds of bathing suits. And I really consciously just note what they're wearing, and then refocus on my breathing. So this is very, very personal, a lot of the same thing.
I tend to wear a lot of 10 pleated khaki pants, and I've been told that they're so boring, even though I like them and I just happen to be wearing 10 pleated pants. Same thing with my moustache, etc. So go through these, and I mean some of them as we get more sexually charged like my first wife. was turned down by both men and women. That's just a description. My first wife was bisexual, how disgusting that the judgment, you know, all the way down to a sexual response statement here, you know, it takes me longer to get it up now that I'm 60 than it did when I was in my 20s.
That's just clearly a description. But I'm less of a man because it takes me longer to get it up now at 16 penalize in my 20s is clearly a judgment. And I have all of the answers here and the key. So what you want to do is you want to go over all these questions, you know, and give the correct answer with your client. And then just clarify, you know, when they think something is a judgment rather than a description, we want to explain to them that part of the process and becoming more mindful, is really just noticing without judgment. That's what mindfulness is all about.
It's noticing without judgment, you know, and we talked about that in the first lecture. So that exercise is all about focusing on the internal environment using judgments versus description. The next activity focuses on the external environment actually focuses on behavior and the external environment using mindful eating. So this is called mindful trail mix eating. And if you haven't taken an ad already pull it out of your activities and we'll go over it while I take a sip. Okay, so again, the primary purpose of this is to help clients stop, observe and be aware of one concrete activity that they engage in daily which is eating and eating takes place in an environmental context which affects eating so as they're paying attention to mindful eating, the environment comes into play.
Now, what we're trying to do hear by helping people helping clients slow down and appreciate the text taste rather and texture of the food they're eating is, in time get them to generalize the same kind of behavior to their lovemaking to slow down and appreciate the taste and texture and nuance of each moment. Alright, so this activity takes, it has two parts. And the first part instructions, obviously, we probably can't do this right now, unless you've already gone out and you've bought the trail mix. But you are clients and just get a package of trail mix from their grocer. And just tell them to be sure that because it's a mixture of things, it doesn't contain anything they're allergic to especially like peanuts. And if it does to you know, tell the grocer or the health food store operator to get them a bag that doesn't have peanuts and all this stuff is available.
And then when you get the client afraid you say okay, now open the bag and pour small amount into a cup. Or if you're doing it in session, you do it for them Porter pour a small amount into a cup. If you're asking them to do themselves, they could just simply go directly into their hand. But what you want to do is after they have you have a small amount of the cup, ask your clients to do the following for half of the trail mix in your hand and eat it as you normally would. Right? And you observe how they normally eat it.
And if your clients are like most of my clients, what they'll do is they'll pop it on their mouth and just heat it. Now step three is now pour the rest of the cup in your hand. And I want you to close your eyes. And notice how the mixture feels in your hand. Feel the texture, weight and temperature of the trail mix in your hand. you pause and you let them do that.
Then you say open your eyes and now pick one of the items in the mix. And it could be anything I mean trail mix has raisins, that's not today's other dried fruit. It has seeds and just okay now, pick that one item out and notice the size, shape and color of the item. Now close your eyes and slowly bring the item to your nose and smell it. And notice any of the aromas emanating from the eye item and open your eyes and notice what it feels like rub it between your fingers and the palm of your hand. Feel the texture and shape as you manipulate it with your fingers.
Now close your eyes and slowly bring it to your ear and listen to it. You know most food items don't make noise but sometimes they do and you know things like water or seltzer do so you know it's worth a listen. Notice any sound it makes as you roll it in your fingers sometimes might have a little snap crackle or pop as you manipulate it and your fingers. Right now with your eyes still close put the item in your mouth and just let it rest on your tongue for a while. And then after a few moments slow, chew it slowly and shoot it out. Least 10 times before swallowing you might say you know these five times because 10 times can drive people crazy if it's something small like a sunflower seed.
Now repeat this item or the sequence rather with each item in the mix. So if the mix has a raisin has a piece of dried apricots has sesame seed has a you know walnut, they do it with each item in the mix. So then when the clients done asked the following question, what books personal scripts mental images and emotions Did you have about performing this activity? And normally people say, Well, you know, I was thinking how crazy this is like taking my time to you know, to listen to arrays and so I mean, that's kind of funny and you want them to get that out. But then other things that I felt real rush you know, I kind of just throw the stuff in my mouth and eat the damn mix. So people have all kinds of hurry sickness reactions to eat.
Slowly. And then you would ask, Well, how does your normal trail mix eating compared to your mindful eating experience? And then the big one is how can you generalize this to your sexual experience with your partner? So what we're trying to get at is to have them step back and look at do I rush through lovemaking like I love I rush through eating trail mix or other food. And that's the point that's when you really want to start having them pay attention to that's what I mean by having mindful eating, generalize over to mindful lovemaking in time. Now, here's another activity that obviously you're going to do as homework assignment because it's mindful eating and drinking in bed.
And it's a follow up so you do the mindful eating in the office, and eating of the trail mix just to kind of get them thinking about slowing things down. And now you assign the mindful eating and drinking in bed as a homework. activity. And it really sets the stage for you know, more mindful sexuality activities. So if you haven't printed off the activity, do it. And I'll take a pause and get a drink, and then come back.
Good. So we want to make them stop and become become more mindful of their behavior, and then have that generalized into their lovemaking behavior. So this is a fun activity that combines sense sensual eating with as a prelude for mindful sexuality. And I want them to do it in bed because I want you to have them start to make that association of their bed as this sacred kind of special place where they do erotic things with their partner. And this is a two part activity so part one involves shopping You ask them to purchase the following things a navel orange, a pear and apple, red and green grapes, two boxes of different crackers, two types of cheese and a bottle of wine. Obviously, we want a variety of shapes, colors, textures and tastes.
And if your client does not drink alcohol, have them just pick a bottle of you know, carbonated water or something like that. And have them prepare the fruit and cheese and crackers by sectioning the fruit, cutting the cheese into pieces and putting some crackers on the big tray and then have been pour two glasses of wine and bring them to the bedside. So that's all part one. Now in part two, we want them to have them choose a piece of fruit and eat it as they normally would like you do book a trail mix. And then have them choose another piece of fruit and in the following way, and we also want their partners to do this. So we want them to pick that piece of fruit and notice the size, shape and color of the fruit.
Notice the texture wait temperature of the piece of fruit, and then close their eyes and slowly bring the fruit to their nose and smell it. Notice the aromas emanating from the fruit on notice and then slowly bring the item to their ear and listen to it right and notice any sounds that the fruit might make if they hold it to the ear. And again like with the trail mix, eating in the office is kind of funny and you know people might laugh about it, you know, I guess in a cracker you're probably going to get a little bit more of the sound and and you know, in whatever beverage they're drinking, they can listen to number their ISO close, put the piece in there of fruit in their mouth, and let it rest on their tongue for a while and then after a few moments, chew it slowly, you know, five to 10 choose same instructions as the trail mix eating in the office.
And then we're going to go and have them do with each item on the tray. And in between this is where it starts to differ in between sampling the different items, have them stop. Take a sip of wine or whatever beverage into and do the following notice the same size, shape and color of the wine glass with the wine in it or whatever other beverage feel the texture, weight and temperature of the glass. close their eyes and bring the glass to their nose and smell it. And then bring your ears and listen to any of the sounds that that it makes. With your eyes close take a sip of the wine and swirl it around your mouth but don't swallow it.
Notice the taste the texture in the temperature of the wine. And then notice now swallow the wine. And notice how that sip feels as it slides down your throat and reaches your stomach. So what we're doing is we're eating a food item and then we're taking a sip and we're doing mindful drinking So we're, you know, seeing and smelling and hearing and then tasting the wine or the other beverage that they bring to the side of the bed. So go through a food item and then go through the beverage. And then have the clients continue to sit and experience wine as they eat the rest of their fruit, beer cheese, and their crackers.
And you emphasize do this slowly. And as you eat yourself, feed your partner. So give your partner a piece of fruit, a piece of cheese, a piece of cracker, have your partners close their eyes, and experience the food with all five of their senses. So you show them how to experience a piece of food and a drink with their senses. And then you have them teach their claw their partners how to do the same thing. And the idea is take your time.
Just put enough food on the tray that will sell satisfy you or stop whenever you feel satisfied. But take your time work your way through some fruit, some cheese, some crackers, some wine, and just kind of then use this as a prelude to doing something sexual imbed to making love or you'll see there are other activities like mindful footwear of mindful backwards. All right, and then when they're finished with the activity, have them finish the questions What were your thoughts, personal scripts, mental images and low and emotions related to doing this activity? And you may want to ask an additional question. Oh, How were your partner's thoughts, scripts, mental images and emotions related to doing this activity? And then how do you think your internal programs related to mindful eating in bed mindful eating and drinking have relate to you being stuck in a sexual rut?
So we kind of want to see if they can make the leap between well This was really silly, or I felt stupid, you know, slowly doing all this eating and drinking in bed. Well, does that also generalize to how you feel about slowing down your lovemaking, maybe engaging in more foreplay with your partner. So that's the connection you want to make. And if they don't make it as part of the homework assignment, when you process the assignment, and talk to them the next time you have them in session, you want to make that leap. You might say something like, I noticed that you didn't really see any connection between the work your mind is telling you about the eating and how a lot of it was unhelpful. But you don't kind of see how that could also generalize to your sexuality.
Let's talk about this a little bit more. And then talk about how it might, you know keep them from engaging in foreplay or slowing down and you know, fully experiencing their partner with all five senses. And then there are additional activity Communities informal mindfulness activities. In the I have a separate PDF file that's called additional activities. So in there, there are other informal mindfulness activities for you to choose from. And feel free to substitute any of these activities for the ones in the video if you feel that your clients not ready for the ones in this video, I like the ones that are included in this lecture because they are sexual in nature.
And they do get clients thinking about their sexual self talk and emotions and feelings. And, you know, we'll use both use the ones in this lecture that are on this video, and use the additional ones in your PDF file. Now mindful sexuality training is real similar, but it uses very sexually explicit, informal mindfulness activities to help clients become more aware of experiences, sexuality, With all five of their senses, and make sure you read the activity instructions and listen to the enclosed audio files before assigning them to your clients Matter of fact, do them with your partner at home, because they're very sexually explicit, and some clients might be offended by their sexual nature. So the ones that I recorded are mindful fitness size, mindful backfist the size mindful male masturbation, mindful female bat masturbation, mindful male oral sex, and mindful female oral sex. They're all just under 30 minutes long.
And essentially what they're doing is they're having your client perform this activity on his or her partner. So it's your client giving them mindful fitness eyes, your client giving a mindful back massage, your client masturbating his or her partner, your client going down on his or her partner. So it's done in a way that it shows the client how to perform these activities mindfully. And, you know, hopefully, as a way of role modeling the clients partner sees these things and experiences them and then becomes a willing participant to kind of reverse roles and do these things for the partner for your client. So these are all very, very graphic, you know, you start with a mindful foot massage because that's you know, how to give an erotic mindful foot massage with all five senses and paying attention to, you know, thoughts, personal scripts, mental images and emotions that are rolling around in the client's head, as well as experiencing the client's feet with a sense of, you know, sight, taste town.
Sound right? Rather, touch and smell. So the foot massage is erotic and sensual to begin with, but I mean, at one point I asked the client to rub your feet against rub your your partner's feet rather against your genitals and experience what that soles of your feet and your speed and your partner's toes feel like on your gentle as well. On the flip side, the partner is also experiencing the eroticism of having his or her feet and the soles and the toes rub up against the partner. So the eroticism works both ways. And very, very hot.
And these are 1234 or five, six individual assignments. So you can space these out over six weeks, you know, six sessions, you know, or two a week, you know, however you want to divvy them up. But it's, you know, it's a wonderful cross section of things that your client can do to his or her partner. And that in return may be reciprocated. Okay, I can't go over all of them now, but take your time, listen to them, do them yourself, and enjoy the process. Alright, so finally, let's go to the final mindful sex activity.
This is one I can do with you now. And then you have your clients do this as homework. So take a moment and find sex as a gourmet meal. That's the last activity. All right, good. Now, for many clients, sex is all about outcomes.
You know, it's thinking ahead, how's it going to finish? You know, am I going to come and is she he or she going to come? We're going to come together how many orgasms Am I going to have my partner going to have and so it's much more end oriented than process. oriented, therefore, it's less mindful, you know, the mind is focused on the outcome. So what this activity does is help clients slow down and focus on the process and actually enjoy the process. savor it, look at it like a gourmet meal.
Take your time. And you know with each course as you wouldn't have gotten a meal, you anticipate something unique and special that you're going to savor with all five of your senses. Okay, so you want to tell your clients to do this as homework and you want to have them do this after they've gone through all of the other mindful sex videos. So have them do foot massage, back massage, oral sex masturbation, or as many of those as they're comfortable with and you're comfortable with. And then have them do this and tell them to set aside one full hour of uninterrupted activity. So we're maybe for the first time in their lives.
They've devoted a whole hour to mindful lovemaking. And then read these following instructions. Think of this one hour lovemaking session as a gourmet meal. Take your time with each course savor it and do not rush. Don't look at how as having an orgasm as the objective. Don't even think beyond the course you're involved in, and your actions and those of your partner.
For course number one, just relax it in bed eating and drinking. And this is you know, incorporating the mindful eating and drinking event. Don't get drunk or eat too much. The idea is to have a sensual snack. Think of the mindful eating and drinking in bed activity that you did, and use this as a prelude to your lovemaking. So make up a tray of your favorite food or you know, favorite fruit cheese crackers and beverage.
So that's it course number one. Now for question number two, give your partner a massage for a few minutes. Have your partner choose which type of massage to take your time use oil or powder and be mindful of what is going on with your hands and your body, your partner's body in the bedroom environment. Continue this for as long as you wish and then switch and have your partner massage you. And again you would incorporate all of the mindful strokes and activities that you learned as part of giving a mindful foot and back massage. Actually, after you've both been sized out, pause and have a sip of wine and a piece of fruit and cheese and cracker.
Now shift to the next course and shift your attention to your partner's vulva or penis and get into position to give your partner oral sex for a while. Now again, go back to the mindful oral sex, audios and remember the basic movements for giving your partner oral sex, and relax and take your time. And again, there's no you know, you know, specific designated amount of time how long you're going to do this for, and there's no outcome that it has to result in an orgasm or not. You're just going to pay attention to the sights and sounds, the taste and touch and smell of giving your partner oral sex. And ask your partner if there's anything that they would like you to do to enhance the experience for them. And then switch and let your partner give you oral sex for a while.
Pay and again, pay attention as your partner is going down on you to the sights and sounds, the taste and touch and the smell of your partner giving you sex until your partner if there's anything that you would like them to do to enhance you experience for you, right? Now, if you both desire it, get into position and give each other oral sex while that's called 69. And you go down each other simultaneously. And when you're doing this, pay attention, you know, stop and take a while and again, look at your partner's genitals. taste your partner pay attention to, you know, the touch and the smell of giving and receiving oral sex. So you're going to be able to appreciate the experience of having your partner go down on you while you go down on your partner.
And you may want to pull away until your partner you know if there's anything you would like them to do special to enhance the experience or to emphasize one motion over the other. So this could be considered another course in the meal. So after a while, take a break and go back and cleanse your palate. With a sip of wine, a piece of fruit, some cheese or some crackers, and express your appreciation, feed your partner for a while and as you feed your partner, tell your partner What a wonderful lovemaking session this is so far. And then shift your focus on to the next course in the meal and that will be sexual intercourse and ask your partner how they would want to be entered or enter you. Okay?
And after a while change into QA. So, so you know, get started and start you know, having sexual intercourse anyway that you and your partner agree upon. Enjoy the process. Be mindful of the sights, the sounds, the taste, the touch, and the smell of having sexual intercourse. Go back and remember that no to pay attention to your thoughts, your personal scripts, your mental images and your emotions. And if your mind drifts Back to the past, always come back to those internal programs.
If you find that your mind is staying stuck on an unhelpful thought or script or feeling, just note that and come back to focusing your attention on sexual intercourse with your partner. So it's always first pay attention to the five senses experience of having sexual intercourse, you know, feeling, touching, smelling, tasting your partner, and then focusing on what's going on in your mind as you're doing this. And if your mind is being pulled to the future of the past, or getting stuck on something unhelpful. acknowledge that accept it, and refocus your attention on experiencing sexual intercourse with your partner with all five senses. And then after a while, change intercourse positions, and I recommend finishing with the intercourse position that's most likely to help your partner achieve orgasm. And then continue in this position until your partner comes.
And if you haven't had your orgasm and you want to tell your partner what you'll need in order to have your orgasm, and request that your partner do that. And if it's something that you feel you don't need to have an orgasm when you're fine and it's also fine to just stop. Remember, you can have great sex, even if you don't have an orgasm. So this is your choice. Now after either you or your partner or both of you either have an orgasm or decide to stop, don't just pull out or have your partner pull out immediately. Instead, just live together, still connected, and enjoy the sensations involved in winding down and going back to the Unreal state.
Now for years and years, I was a sexuality educator for the family planning program in the state of New Jersey and I know a lot of people worry about if they're using a condom What if my penis was soft and the condom slips off, you always want to make sure that you hold the condom from the base, you know, pressing against the base of your penis. So when you pull it out, and if your penis is soft, the condom and the contents of the common will come out with you. So be aware of that if you're using a condom to make sure that as you're getting you know, soft to hold it up firmly against the base of your penis and pull it out. That'll ensure that you know, nothing winds up where you don't want it to wind up. Okay, so let's get out of here.
So again, this is pretty erotic stuff. So you want to ease into it. It's a progression from just general informal mindfulness training, to sexual mindfulness training, to very erotic specific sexual activities, and then to looking at lovemaking as this You know, Gourmet, multi sensual meal. And again, that's kind of the goal and the objective, you know, it may turn out that in the process of doing that somebody spills cracker crumbs on somebody else's genitals and it makes the whole thing kind of icky or funny. And, you know, you get your client and partner to laugh about it and move on. So lovemaking is supposed to be fun.
These activities are supposed to be fun, multi sensual things. And, you know, we need part of people going to clients in importance to start paying attention to that. And that when their mind drifts in there worrying too much. Am I doing it right? Or is she going to come? Am I going to come?
When are we going to come? venue want to help people get back to the present moment, and focus on this wonderful connection between two live human beings that smell and taste and feel and sound a certain way in the present moment. And the more you can get clients to do that, the more they'll just Relax and enjoy the experience and get out of that sexual rut. So this is, you know, a long multi session kind of experience. And I'm going to leave it up to you as the coach to determine how you space out the activities, how many sessions you take, you know, where you start where you end with your clients, but it's all there. And all the content you'll ever need is in to my book and my book chapter.
So, have fun, enjoy the process. If you have any questions at all, you stuck on how as a coach to kind of present this to shoot me an email. And if we can't work it out via email, I'll connect with you via telephone and we'll get this whole gone. So I'm gonna see out here and thank you so much for your support, and I'll see you in session five Wow.