Lecture 5: Sensuality

18 minutes
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Hi, I'm Dr. Rich and welcome back to the course, in this course, which is session three, rather lecture five. Going to talk about sensuality is one of my favorite topics. Most people get sexuality and sensuality confused, and you'll see that sensuality fits so well into what we've been discussing, because mindfulness is all about experiencing life with all five senses. And this really sets the stage for some of the work we're going to do in the mindful sexuality part of the course, which comes in session four. So I hope you enjoy this and I hope you like it as much as I like teaching this stuff. So let me reduce myself and we'll get right to it.

So real simply, sensuality is defined as the ability to experience life through all five senses. And we humans are essential creatures at birth, and Somehow we systematically lose our sensuality. As a result of both cultural conditioning and aging. I'll explain that in a moment. There was a guy named William Henry Bernard Burnham, sometime in the 1800s. He was a philosopher.

And he called the process of living life through all five senses as being fully integrated. So our senses and our experience were integrated. And all five senses work together in every experience. And there was still a sense of awe regarding life because we approached life with a beginner's mind as the Buddhists say. And there's an openness to experiencing something new with all five senses. So if we start out being fully integrated, what happens to this integration?

Let me give an example watch a two year old playing in the grass. So what do they do? They'll take out a single blade of grass, right and they'll hold it up to the sun and they'll look at it. Then they'll rub No smell it, you know the rubber between your fingers melt, put it in your mouth and they'll taste it. And then they'll listen to it, then they'll roll in it. And they'll pull out a handful and throw it up in the air and they'll play with it.

Right. So, playing in the grass to a two year old is in your experience with all five senses. So when was the last time when you played in the grass? And when was the last time you experienced the grass Enos with all five senses Was it 10 years ago, 20 years ago, 50 years ago? Well, what happened? Well, I think life and our experience gets in the way.

So just quick right now stop the video and this five reasons why you don't experience the grass this more this way anymore. Just click free association five reasons why you don't experience the grass like a two year old anymore. Okay, all right. He probably said things like, Well, you know, people think I'm crazy. Well, you know, been there and done that it's grass. It's grass, right?

You know, it's green smells like whatever, you know, mow it every three times a week. That's enough experience with the grass. You have a laundry list of reasons ranging from what would the neighbors think to how stupid I know of grass is all about right. Now, my goal is not to have you rolling around in your clients roll around on the front lawn grooving on the grass. What my point is, is to have you kind of rediscover that ability to be fully integrated in any experience that you're involved in with all five senses at any point in your life. Okay, so you know, why should you or your clients really care about this?

Well, because sex is a very sensual experience. Think about what it would be like if every time your clients made love it Did it with all five of their senses or you for that fact? How long do you think they'd be stuck in a sexual rut? If that were truly the case. So becoming a more sensual person overall, can translate into becoming a more sensual lover. So mindful sensuality and mindfulness section of mindful sexuality can be developed through simple mindfulness training activities, and we're going to be doing a lot more of them in the next session on mindfulness, but I just wanted to introduce it here.

So you get an idea of what I mean by sensuality and and how can we introduce, you know, sensuality training with an everyday item. So I've come up with the activity called the sensuous orange, and it's really designed to help clients become more sensuous using all five of their senses by doing something else. Basic as peeling and eating an orange. Now I've got alternative activities in the output alternative activities PDF file that came with the course. And one of them is doing a similar activity with trail mix, but get an orange and get these instructions and let's see, let's do this together while I take a sip of water. And I've done this with clients and I've done this in a classroom of 35 human sexuality students.

Now when I I usually bring the orange so you can do it is two parts and you can ask your clients to shop for the following item, you know an orange get a navel orange that's easy to peel. Try to find one that isn't perfect, you know perfectly round them perfectly dyed orange, and even look for one that has some distinctive color imperfections. So as I said, when I do this, I actually picked the oranges out because I've got a point to make. Alright, so Part Two, you now have your orange clients in front of us. Okay, do the following things like you to close your eyes and do the following things. Pick up the orange and feel its weight.

Feel the shape of the orange. Now roll the orange around your face and neck and feel the temperature of the orange as you roll it around your face and head and neck. Put the orange up to your nose and smell it and roll the orange over your ears and listen to it. So you adjust how much time and what your pauses would be put just give your clients enough time to Feel it. Feel the shape. Roll it feel the temperature smell it and hear it.

Good. Now open your eyes and do the following things. Notice the size and shape of the orange. Notice the color of the orange. Notice the texture of your oranges you kind of roll around in your hands or hold it in your fingertips and rotate it. And notice any distinguishing characteristics in the yarn such as bruises or imperfections, and you probably want to have your clients write these things down after they notice them.

That's what I did. So notice and then write these things down. Now I want you to peel the orange by keeping it in one piece. So you can make a small incision at the top of the orange with your fingernail or a knife, but I want you to start at the top and slowly take your time and peel the orange from the top to the bottom. Now notice the peeling process and what is going on in your mind and the orange as you peel it. So notice any thoughts personal scripts, mental images and emotions that you feel as you slowly peel off the orange peel One entire piece.

Right, so obviously you wait until the entire orange is peeled. And you know when I'm sitting there with a client over the class, I can keep track of this and, you know, I can't obviously do this with you. So I don't know how far along you are with your peeling. So I'm going to assume that you've got it all peeled. Right. Now I want you to simply break off a piece of the peel.

So you've got this whole peel in one piece. Break off a piece in about an inch square, and twist it. And if you don't realize it, maybe this is your first you'll realize that there's orange oil in the peel. Now roll that oil, feel it rolled around your fingertips, bring your fingertips up to your nose and smell the orange oil and now taste it You want to just take a little nip of the peel and taste the peel. Good. Now I want you to take one section.

So finish your peeling, take one section out, you know, clean off all the little white strings and everything on it. And notice how the orange section is constructed. Just notice that it's this, you know, I guess crescent shaped piece of fruit, that it has a sheaf of cellulose fiber wrapped around these little juice containing nodules. Okay, so I'd like you to peel back a small section of this cellulose casing, and just kind of look at it. Right? kind of hold the cellulose casing up and examine it.

And now I want you to take out one little individual orange segment I call them my orange sperm. Because they remind me of sperm they put a head in the tail okay. You know, human sexuality sex coaching kind of gets clients to giggle a little bit. Now I need to close your eyes and I want you to put that orange sperm on your tongue by golly and pop it with your tongue. Just like that. And feel that burst of, you know, orange juice kind of roll into your tongue with one little orange segment, one little kernel.

Good. Now, I want you to close your eyes and eat one of the sections of the orange but I want you to do it this way. I want you to nibble on it. I want you to take small nibbles, and slowly chew each of those small bites. There take at least six choose to chew that small section at small bite. And then slowly swallow and notice your thoughts personal scripts.

Mental images and emotions as you eat this one orange section slowly and mindfully with your eyes closed. Okay, good. Now I want you to finish eating the orange this way. I want you to slowly finish it section by section. And when you're done, I'd like you to answer the following questions. Have your original thoughts about thoughts, personal scripts, mental images and emotions about eating an orange differ from actually eating it this way slowly and mindfully.

So how did your original thoughts about eating the orange when I said, Hey, we're going to eat an orange differ from actually eating it slowly and mindfully? Now, what did you notice about the orange But was there anything different? Was it a completely Orange Orange? Did it have a different shape than maybe you anticipated? It did have a different color than maybe you anticipated? Did it feel cooler than maybe you thought it would fit have any imperfections?

Did your orange have any, you know, distinctive markings? You know, I actually like people who have distinctive faces who are not perfect. No, maybe their nose is a little bent or a little too big group this or that. So what was distinctive and noticeable and different about your orange? What do you notice about peeling it? And would you notice about eating it and just write down one or two new things you learned about oranges.

Okay, so use your clients answers about the orange activity and the sensual orange activity to kind of initiate this discussion about sensual lovemaking. becoming a more sensual, you know, sexual partner. So how can sex with one's partner become a more sensual experience that keeps it new and fresh? Because remember, you and your partner, your client and your partner and the experience, the context of the sexual experience is new and fresh every time you get together, okay, so might be the same partner, but it's the same partner in a different day. And that partner might smell or taste or touch or feel differently the environment, your mind, everything is different. It's a new context.

So you want to discuss with clients have their thoughts, person scripts, mental images and emotions regarding approaching sex in the more sensual way, could you know help them could benefit them? Because we tend to go into sex clients tend to go into sex with a in a committed relationship with the same person that they've had sex with him. thousand times, kind of thinking it's all going to be the same right? When they're done that. But imagine if you could approach in your clients could approach each sexual encounter, kind of anticipating that it's going to be new and different and fresh. Wouldn't that be great?

Okay, now I'd like to go and take this a step further and use another activity which looks at sensuality across multiple sensual dimensions, we call becoming a more sensuous person. And the purpose of this is to help clients become more sensual in their everyday lives. And as I said, becoming more central in one's everyday life carries over into one sexual activity. So if you haven't done it printed off, now, I always assign this as a homework activity. So we're going to go over it now but do this as a homework activity. Have your clients submitted to you via email, you read it, you comment on it, and then use it as the starting point for the next Session have your clients read the full assignment in chapter eight of my book, I actually cover this in chapter eight, it says, you know, becoming more sensual and there's, you know, four or five pages on this.

And it goes over each dimension of sensuality, you know, taste, touch, sight, smell, and, and sound and it gives a laundry list of things that can be done to enhance each dimension. So for example, you know, enhancing one sense of touch could be done by, you know, going to the beach and sitting there and examining the handful of shells and sand and feeling them in your hand or, you know, rubbing your pet you know, for 10 minutes every day and experiencing his or her fur. So, there are whole bunch of really concrete things that people can do in each of the dimensions of sensuality. So you haven't go read that and then when done reading that you ask them? What does it mean to you to be a sensual person? And what sensual qualities right now does your partner have?

What would you be willing to try alone or with your partner to enhance your sight, touch, smell, sound and taste? So out of all that laundry list that's covered in chapter eight of all the different things that one can do to enhance your sexuality? Pick one thing and each of those dimensions that you could do you'd be willing to do. And how do you think becoming more sensual, can help you enhance your sexual relationship with yourself and with your partner? So that was a real short lecture. But again, I think it's real key to separate sensuality out and we're going to go over sensuality and even more detail when we talk about mindfulness because mindfulness really is experiencing life in the present moment through all five senses.

So this is kind of an introduction to that and just getting clients to think a little bit more about how their sensuality you know, first of all, what is sensuality? You know, what, what is their own sensuality? Like how did they experience their own sensuality? How have experienced their partner sensuality, and then how can that kind of carry over into their sexuality and enhance their sexual relationship. So, clients can do things every day in a non threatening way to enhance their sensuality. Even if it's, you know, Lighting a candle or bringing the rose into the dinner table when you sit for dinner.

I mean, that's building sensuality. It helps them focus their awareness on things other than sight. Remember, when you're with your partner, your partner, you can taste, touch, view and smell your partner and experience your partner with all five of those dimensions. And that's the kind of thing That keeps sex fresh after 10 years, 20 years, 30 years, 40 years or as in my case, 46 years. So see you in the next lecture. We're going to have action to the next session, which is session four on mindfulness.

And if you've always been curious about what is mindfulness, we've come to the right place. So I will see you in the next session.

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