This video is all about how to deal with an extra strong emotional outbursts. Now the important thing to realize is that the vast majority of boundaries that you want to state in life are actually in negotiation rather than a rigid line in the sand. The sooner you realize that, the sooner you'll stop rushing around like a warrior with your sword establishing very firm things with other people. When you're dealing with someone that is quite aggressive and attacking, if you are also equally aggressive and attacking, you will just end up in a wall. Adults ultimately need to negotiate boundaries between themselves and this is the standard for all relationships and is particularly true of romantic relationships even if you've broken up. Now, if you don't risk sharing how you feel and you don't speak up, you'll blow up or and or become passive aggressive and or damage the relationship.
You need to figure out how to be powerful but without being stupor warrior style. And the way to do that is very effective negotiation tactic. If someone is negotiating with you in a very aggressive and emotional way, your job is to be non emotional. So I'm going to teach you how to do that. Step one, firstly, understand that there's anger or emotional outbursts coming from the person that you're trying to negotiate with. It's not actually personal to you, regardless of what they are saying.
It's more about the little wounded boy or the little wounded girl and find that person who is doing the shouting and screaming, if you are seated. First things first is to stand up and to stand tall with your shoulders back and your hands at your side. As the person is saying, whatever they're saying, tell yourself that whatever they say is about them feeling hurt, and wanting to hurt someone else, and it has nothing to do with you. So that's step one is to not take it personally. Just realize this anger is more to do with that person over there. depth to Look intently at this person that is negotiating with you, if it's your ex look intently at your ex.
This is to disarm them and assure them that you are listening. One of the things that frustrates people who are overly emotional is that people are not listening. They might even say things like, You're not listening to me and keep raising their voice and raising their voice because they feel that they can't get your attention. If you look intently at them, it is quite disarming. Also, if you stop what you're doing, and you're not fidgeting or doing something else switching and you know, you're looking at your phone or looking at TV at the same time, then that is a really good approach you want to be really have undivided attention with this person. Often what riles people the most is a feeling that they don't have your attention.
And you eliminate this possibility by giving them the assurance that you're listening to them. Step three, do not react, allow whatever they say to you to wash over you like it's simply words that have no meaning. When they done ranting or saying whatever it is that They have to say, simply do the following. Take a deep breath and say, I really understand that you're feeling angry right now, or I really understand that you're feeling upset or disappointed. And I understand that because of this situation, you feel this emotion very strongly. So it's very important in saying that statement that you don't respond to the specific points of what they said, Because of you doing that you're beginning to argue, and you're justifying and you are moving to an aggressive place words to protect back and forth, simply say, that you are willing to talk when things are calmer, okay?
So I really understand that you're feeling these emotions right now. And I'm really willing to have a conversation about this when everyone is feeling a bit calmer. Therefore, if things are not dialing down, just reassure the person, I'm really keen to have this conversation with you. But when things are calmer, it will be better for us to have this conversation. I'm going to leave the room now and just have a cup of tea. And if you just calm down, we can have a sensible chat.
About all the topics that you raise, because I'm very interested in those topics, then you walk out of the room and you leave. You've communicated with that person that you're not going to tolerate their behavior. You have a cup of tea you be dull, but you do not raise your voice to match today's just refuse to play their game. That is a very effective negotiating strategy. Number five, if you feel that his discussions are impossible, another option is to write a letter adopting a very factual matter of fact, I focused on precisely what it is the issues on hand rather than any personal comments that they made, and focus on how you can move things forward. Always ask yourself when you're negotiating, what is it that I'm trying to achieve?
Rather than they said those and they wrong and I said that and that's wrong, and then you're entering into that argument basis. Okay. So you have a specific situation that seems impossible and surmountable to you and you'd like some coaching on that. Be sure to get ahold of us at divorce and naked recovery online and will coach you through that situation. It's really very straightforward to negotiate with people, even if they are hyper angry or hyper emotional and we can teach you exactly how to do that. If these tips are not specific to your situation, otherwise use the situation to use these tips in any situation that you've got.
It disarms people, it's not super aggressive, and against everybody in a calm place where they will be able to speak rationally. I hope that helps.