Realizing that I cannot personally meet everyone who may do this class, I want to give you a powerful exercise that will help you manage the facts, feelings, and fears around each case of abuse you’d like to address. Anyone can do this exercise. All you need are a pen and paper to keep a journal. You also can refer to the earlier sections outlining abuses and behaviors from your family tree. If you give this a legitimate shot, you will honestly begin to see a change in your thoughts, emotions, and, eventually, actions. Even better, there’s nothing like having a licensed therapist in your corner.
Day 1: Identify the Abuse
We’ve spent the whole book helping you identify the variety of abuses you may have experienced. But I’m sure there’s at least one example that has recurring trauma-like effects in your life. For this exercise, select an example that would rate a 5 in terms of difficulty on a scale of 1 to 10. Why? Let’s learn the process and practice on a slightly less volatile issue and attack the more difficult ones later.
Remember, it’s just you, your pen, and your journal. Re-writing your story begins now. For the next four consecutive days (within reason), we’re going to begin to transform. Here’s how:
Write It Out
Take at least fifteen minutes to an hour now (or today) to write out your story of abuse—not your entire life story. You may set a timer to help you focus during this exercise. Before shrugging this off or cringing like it’s some school assignment, this is the WORK that is involved to break the ties. I didn’t say it was going to be easy, but it will be helpful.
Nobody is grading you on your writing, and for the artists, you can begin to draw out your story. The only caveat for artists is that you must use the same medium every day, in this case, a pencil or pen sketch. Do not switch to painting on Day 2 or to sculpture on Day 3. The purpose is to revisit the incident(s) and give your brain a chance to sort the facts, feelings, and fears. So, artists will be tasked with re-drawing the same incident, or related ones, each day, using the same medium.
If it’s helpful, imagine writing a letter, but let your stream of consciousness flow through the pen, keyboard, or pencil. Say whatever you want, how you want. Don’t worry about grammar, punctuation, commas, or complete sentences—unless you want to. It literally can be just a collection of bullet points. Just write it the way that it comes to your brain. That's the most important part. Don’t reread it. Don’t edit it. Just let it flow. Don’t worry about chronology. Don’t worry about organization. Don’t even worry about whether it makes sense.
Within this framework, you might start with including the details about the timeline, facts about the generational, conditional, or circumstantial influences, and who was involved. Or you might vent out your frustrations by using your words any way you like.
For example, let’s take a look at a case of physical abuse by a parent. You have seen or experienced being beaten, bullied, or otherwise harmed directly, which was the overt abuse that left temporary bruises but permanent emotional scars. In this process, you realized that the covert abuse was the parent’s alcoholism, which runs through the family, fracturing many of the branches in the family tree.
Another example may be a case of verbal abuse. Perhaps you’ve discovered that your self-esteem has been affected negatively because of all the belittling you received at home, from a co-worker, or from a coach. Take one example that you recall, and use that for your first day.
Day 2: Write It Out (Again)
Open your journal to a new page, and do not read what you wrote or sketched yesterday. I want your memory pathways to start fresh, and dig a little deeper, this time identifying the feelings surrounding the abuse, exploring additional details that are often overlooked because of suppressing the memories. Write the story out, even if parts seem repetitive. That forces our memory to pull open the file folder in our head and look at it from another perspective. This time, you may find your memory veering to how you felt the day before, during, and after the abuse, including facts that remind you of those feelings.
Day 3: Write It Out (Again)
No, it’s not the movie Groundhog Day all over again, but I want you to turn the page again, and not re-read what you wrote previously. Your brain already knows what you’ve written over the last two days. Today, think through your story, and rewrite it, allowing your conscious and subconscious mind to pull up material that matters. For example, on the first day, you focused on the facts and timeline. The second day, you focused on your feelings. Today, write your story from the perspective of your fears, and how they influenced the situation and your life. Again, these are guidelines, not rules. The exercise is repeated for therapeutic reasons, and you may recall something you haven’t considered in the prior two days.
Day 4: Review and Rewrite IT Out (Last Time)
Today, or this week if you need a day or two of rest from the exercise, I’d like you to flip back to Day 1 and read all the way through the past few days’ writings. Notice the differences. Notice the “whole” picture. What did you walk away with at the time? For example, did you decide to never drink, never hit a woman, or never raise your voice? Now, write out the story, one last time, but this time, focus on what you’ve learned.
By now, just by rewriting your story, you may have found some closure, or a new perspective, in the process of breaking the ties to this abuse. If not, that’s okay, too. We’re not necessarily looking for that. But what we are looking for is an authentic, transparent view of the incident, a new depiction from several angles. That’s why we need to write this out one last time. Start from the beginning, and this time, start with the end in mind. From this exercise, and perhaps with a new perspective, how would you tell the story now?
See below, and try to bridge the past with your new perspective. Example:
FACTS (OLD STORY) NEW STORY
I was a victim of abuse. Abuse is in my past, but it does not define me.
I was abused but didn’t know it. I’ve learned that I can stop the abuse.
I hurt others. My past helps me help others.
I made bad decisions. I learned to adapt and work hard with balance.