The next strategy is very effective in getting the child to do what you want. And also to promote positive behaviors. I call it hardest motivation. I want to find out what is motivating for a child. What are some things that he likes, I'm going to use those to promote positive behaviors. And when I find out what a child wants or likes, they like to go to a park or they like certain sweets, a child like screentime, whatever it may be, I can use that and get them to do things before they get their item.

It teaches the child delayed gratification. So rather than just getting what they want, without putting any work into it. This allows them to learn that when they put work into it, when they're showing appropriate behaviors, That is when they get things that they want. Just like us as adults, we are motivated by certain items. For most of us. Our work is motivated by a paycheck.

We know the expectations we need to meet before we earn our paycheck. If those expectations are met, then we are paid. A phrase that I use often with children is first, then First, we're going to clean up the room. Then we can go outside. So when I use this with children, the child will let me know what is motivating for them. Mommy, me I have a snack.

A toy. Can I get my nails done? quickly you can think of things that need to be done first. putting away the dishes, cleaning up the playroom picking up 10 pieces is a trash. Now here comes the phrase sure helped me clean up the playroom. And then we can go get a snack.

Many times this will have the desired effect, and your child will get right to it. If your child says, huh, ma'am, okay, cool, no biggie. Now we know a couple things. Perhaps the snack was not motivated enough or happy or perhaps the cleaning up was too much work for a little reward. Either way, we can let it go. Let them go their own way.

When there's low motivation, the probability that the behavior will get the reward will also be low. When the motivation is high, the probability that the child is going to do what we want will also be high. Soon, they'll ask for something else. Mommy, can I have some ice cream? Sure, help me clean up the playroom and then we can get ice Kima I'm gonna have vanilla, what are you gonna have? Now the kid cleans up like their life depends on it.

They get all the credit to even if we help the Tad kid you. I love that you're so helpful around the house. Hey, I like I like how you put the cars on the carpet and wall you got all the Legos in the Lego box. Remember that behavior specific praise. So you're getting your child to work for what they want. And you get them to help out around the house without you nagging.

Amazing, doesn't sound fun. You may be thinking to just get whatever they want. will kinda but we're getting a compliant kid with good manners that we get to honor and praise. Amazing. Here's a side note. I don't give in and give my kids everything they want.

If I do say no, sometimes I say, you can't have that. And I don't give in. If there's a bigger thing that my child wants a bigger item, then they would have to work for it. They would have to work harder and longer for it. Can we get a dog? Sure.

First, we need to develop a plan. We need to research how to how to take care of a dog, all these different things. Right? If we were helping the child learn that this is a big, big incentive that you're gonna have to work for. Let's see how this helps us remain in control. It helps us be on their team.

Yeah, I wouldn't go to the park to Let's clean up real quick so we can go. We shifted from me versus them. To we powerful is that for for both you and your child. Another good example. I make my children say sorry, when they hurt somebody or insulted Use them. But sometimes I save it for much later, rather than in the moment when nobody means it.

Even me, I need my time before I say sorry to my wife or sorry to my own kids. Isn't that true for you? Imagine someone forcing you to say sorry, right in the moment when you're frustrated, would be tough. save those saris for later. Use the first then phrase, sure, we can watch your show. But first, is there something you wanted to say to your mom these moments are so powerful.

Now your child can apologize with sincerity and, and you can apologize yourself if you need to. You get to forgive each other and share we'll try to do next time. I do this with two year olds. All the way up till 16 year olds I work with last few thoughts on first then It keeps it short and sweet. Rather than paragraphing your child. No, we can't go to the park because yesterday we went to the park and we're we're too busy.

Kids tune that out. You keep it short and sweet. And they do what you want. Also, when they earn their item or activity, we mainly are going to acknowledge their behavior. Rather than emphasize the item that they're receiving. We again are helping our child develop skills.

And those are what we're going to focus on. Thanks for being such a good listener. I love how you help clean up after yourself. amazed at your ability to say thank you. Those behavior specific statements are what's coming out of my mouth. When I want to hand them a cookie that they work for.

Think of a star chart. I never even mentioned the word star. It's all about their business. I like how you waited commonly the benefit of this, eventually your child will be able to tell you why they earned something. Because I was, right. I'm showing them that I value them and their behavior.

And I'm not just giving them a bribe. This reminds me this is not a bribe. This is an incentive. an incentive is something we're going to set up before a behavior occurs, and it's all reliant on the child. a bribe would be after the behavior occurs. And it hinges on us being the judge.

A kid starts crying at Target. If you stop crying, I'll get you. Think of your work, you have incentives. You're not being bribed to work. I hope this module is helpful and seeing how we can rejoin our child's team, how we can engage them In non preferred tasks, without having to nag or force them, it's fun to see it in action and to see what is truly motivating for your child. I'll see you in the next lesson.