1 00:00:10,679 --> 00:00:13,859 Unknown: Okay, let's talk about the next pillar. And the next 2 00:00:13,859 --> 00:00:18,719 tool is called support. Okay. First of all, I mentioned that 3 00:00:18,899 --> 00:00:23,699 support, of course, it's not as important, I say communication 4 00:00:23,729 --> 00:00:28,739 or respect in relationships. But, to my surprise, it's one of 5 00:00:28,739 --> 00:00:33,389 the things that people are facing the most. This is like 6 00:00:33,389 --> 00:00:38,339 one of the most common small problem that actually takes 7 00:00:38,339 --> 00:00:43,979 relationships down.

That brings down that nice, good, positive 8 00:00:43,979 --> 00:00:47,459 relationships because people don't feel supported in those 9 00:00:47,459 --> 00:00:51,959 relationships. So let's talk about support. What is this 10 00:00:51,989 --> 00:00:55,559 support? What does it mean to support somebody in 11 00:00:55,559 --> 00:00:59,939 relationship? Okay, first of all, you gotta understand that 12 00:01:00,839 --> 00:01:06,629 support in relationships can mean absolutely anything. And it 13 00:01:06,629 --> 00:01:11,459 is whatever a person feels like he needs in this particular 14 00:01:11,459 --> 00:01:15,809 situation in this particular moment.

Okay? Whatever it is for 15 00:01:15,809 --> 00:01:20,189 him right now, this is what considered support whatever he 16 00:01:20,189 --> 00:01:25,319 decides he needs. This is support, okay? It's really 17 00:01:25,319 --> 00:01:28,019 important from the common understanding that support is 18 00:01:28,019 --> 00:01:31,409 just throwing somebody some rope, and this isn't there you 19 00:01:31,409 --> 00:01:34,979 go, I'm here, you know, what do you want from me? It's not the 20 00:01:34,979 --> 00:01:40,409 support. Support is what the person asking for support is, 21 00:01:41,009 --> 00:01:45,539 okay, is defining support, this is what support is for them.

So 22 00:01:45,539 --> 00:01:49,649 in essence, there is no absolute definition. There's no universal 23 00:01:50,399 --> 00:01:54,899 definition, in this case, in relationships. But of course, 24 00:01:55,109 --> 00:02:01,349 there's a general idea you still used to call this support, okay, 25 00:02:01,379 --> 00:02:05,159 and what support is, in general, the meaning of support is 26 00:02:05,159 --> 00:02:09,239 something that supports the full structure from doing something. 27 00:02:09,389 --> 00:02:14,219 It's either supporting something from falling or supporting from 28 00:02:15,059 --> 00:02:19,289 crumbling or supporting something in some kind of way. 29 00:02:20,339 --> 00:02:25,169 to not move or to not to not break, don't do not go beyond 30 00:02:25,169 --> 00:02:27,719 certain point. Okay?

This is kind of the general 31 00:02:27,719 --> 00:02:31,649 understanding of support, okay? And it is the same thing in 32 00:02:31,649 --> 00:02:34,349 relationships. So when you pull support, it's exactly kind of 33 00:02:34,349 --> 00:02:38,519 what it means. You need to support somebody from going over 34 00:02:38,519 --> 00:02:43,709 going under to break from breaking from blowing up from, I 35 00:02:43,709 --> 00:02:47,099 don't know, anything that a person's going through, whatever 36 00:02:47,099 --> 00:02:51,119 they're going through. If they ask you for support, they want 37 00:02:51,119 --> 00:02:55,289 you to basically be this strong person, okay? They're already 38 00:02:55,289 --> 00:02:58,139 asking for support because they're normally falling 39 00:02:58,169 --> 00:03:01,919 somewhere and what it is Normally is basically this 40 00:03:01,919 --> 00:03:05,879 process, emotional process of wave down.

It's spiraling down 41 00:03:05,879 --> 00:03:09,779 that now all of us go to, you know, in our heads, and we think 42 00:03:09,779 --> 00:03:12,389 everything's worse and they start feeling worse. And it's 43 00:03:12,389 --> 00:03:15,899 like a circle, circle circle. And next time, you know, you're 44 00:03:15,899 --> 00:03:20,309 like over your head, and you just don't fully hate your life 45 00:03:20,309 --> 00:03:23,039 and you're not happy, you're completely depressed and 46 00:03:23,039 --> 00:03:26,969 everything. But if you ask somebody for help, basically 47 00:03:26,999 --> 00:03:32,279 what you're saying is, I am drowning, and I need something 48 00:03:32,279 --> 00:03:36,869 to hold on to. Okay, this in case of relationship, that's 49 00:03:36,869 --> 00:03:43,499 what support means normally, okay? And this is exactly what 50 00:03:43,499 --> 00:03:47,129 you need to be for another person, okay?

When they ask you 51 00:03:47,579 --> 00:03:50,939 for support. You need 52 00:03:50,940 --> 00:03:54,270 to give it to them in their way. You need to give them the 53 00:03:54,270 --> 00:03:59,580 support that they know what you think is needed. Okay, and I 54 00:03:59,580 --> 00:04:02,430 learned it Personally in the highway, because in my 55 00:04:02,430 --> 00:04:07,740 relationship, I was doing what I thought is right, versus what my 56 00:04:07,740 --> 00:04:12,540 partner is needed at the moment. And because of that, I saw our 57 00:04:12,540 --> 00:04:17,040 relationship progress and another very pleasant way. We've 58 00:04:17,040 --> 00:04:21,120 had this issue of support shooting feel like I understand 59 00:04:21,120 --> 00:04:27,450 her, she'll feel like I can support her in her processes and 60 00:04:27,450 --> 00:04:32,340 stuff.

And she would shut down for you know, for a long period 61 00:04:32,340 --> 00:04:37,140 of time, and I didn't like that. So I had to learn somehow, how 62 00:04:37,140 --> 00:04:41,580 to deal with this things. So I've adopted and I've tried my 63 00:04:41,580 --> 00:04:46,830 best to actually accommodate her requests, for example, to not 64 00:04:46,860 --> 00:04:50,850 drown her even more with my own opinions and my own judgment, 65 00:04:51,030 --> 00:04:55,440 but kind of just just be there for her. Just the best thing you 66 00:04:55,440 --> 00:04:59,970 can do is not comment anything. Don't Don't talk. Don't judge.

67 00:05:00,180 --> 00:05:04,950 Don't, don't ask more questions about this whole thing. Just be 68 00:05:04,950 --> 00:05:08,670 there, just comfort them. This is what they need to need you to 69 00:05:08,670 --> 00:05:12,390 be. You need to be strong. If you start asking them, if you 70 00:05:12,390 --> 00:05:15,840 start advising them, if you start something, they're already 71 00:05:15,840 --> 00:05:19,200 in a position that they are being hurt, they are vulnerable, 72 00:05:19,440 --> 00:05:24,360 and you kind of poking into that vulnerability of theirs. And you 73 00:05:24,360 --> 00:05:29,670 can provoke even more outbursts of negative emotions.

And if you 74 00:05:29,670 --> 00:05:33,750 are not strong enough to withstand that negativity from 75 00:05:33,750 --> 00:05:38,040 them, you will be drowning with them. Next thing you know, okay. 76 00:05:38,190 --> 00:05:41,100 And you don't want that because they asking you for support and 77 00:05:41,100 --> 00:05:43,980 then you go around again, this is what happened in this thing 78 00:05:43,980 --> 00:05:46,980 happening to us many, many times in relationship in the 79 00:05:46,980 --> 00:05:50,250 beginning, especially. And then we have to learn the hard way. 80 00:05:50,460 --> 00:05:51,180 We have to, 81 00:05:52,290 --> 00:05:54,090 we just make a deal with ourselves. 82 00:05:54,120 --> 00:05:56,970 One of us has to be always strong, and that's what support 83 00:05:56,970 --> 00:06:00,360 mean.

Somebody has to stay strong. If one is One is 84 00:06:00,360 --> 00:06:06,180 drowning, okay, another one is to stay, stay dry and just give 85 00:06:06,180 --> 00:06:10,200 them a hand and be like, it's okay, I'm here. I'm always here 86 00:06:10,200 --> 00:06:13,410 and I'm holding you, I'm strong. And that's it and don't let them 87 00:06:13,410 --> 00:06:16,770 get to you in any possible way because this is what drama 88 00:06:16,800 --> 00:06:19,620 person will do, they will, they will call you names, sometimes 89 00:06:19,620 --> 00:06:20,580 they will try to 90 00:06:21,660 --> 00:06:24,360 provoke you into negative emotions. 91 00:06:25,380 --> 00:06:28,140 They will do whatever they need to do, they need to feel their 92 00:06:28,410 --> 00:06:31,470 downfall, they need to suck up some energy from you or from 93 00:06:31,470 --> 00:06:35,640 somebody else. And it's your job as a partner in this 94 00:06:35,640 --> 00:06:41,400 relationship to be to be stable, okay to be strong, okay to be 95 00:06:41,400 --> 00:06:45,750 that support that she needs that he needs.

96 00:06:46,230 --> 00:06:51,960 So, this is what support mean in, in relationship. So 97 00:06:54,330 --> 00:07:00,000 understand what their needs are. First, you've always asked for 98 00:07:00,000 --> 00:07:04,020 About support. If they don't ask you about support, do not 99 00:07:04,050 --> 00:07:08,700 support them. Okay? Just let them go through their process 100 00:07:08,730 --> 00:07:12,870 because they will learn sooner or later to ask for support.

101 00:07:13,170 --> 00:07:17,520 Okay? Because as soon as they asked you next time, like, Oh, I 102 00:07:17,520 --> 00:07:20,160 thought you will be supportive and then you are not supportive. 103 00:07:20,220 --> 00:07:23,670 And all you got to do is just tell them you didn't ask, you 104 00:07:23,670 --> 00:07:27,540 didn't ask me for support and I did not want to disrespect your 105 00:07:27,540 --> 00:07:30,690 processes, because respect is kind of more important than 106 00:07:30,690 --> 00:07:33,810 support. So you're gonna disrespect them by sticking your 107 00:07:33,810 --> 00:07:37,590 nose in their process until invited them asked, you do it 108 00:07:37,650 --> 00:07:41,490 out of respect. So they cannot they can never argue this point 109 00:07:41,490 --> 00:07:44,550 with you and say no, but you should still do it. No, you 110 00:07:44,550 --> 00:07:47,700 shouldn't have.

You did absolutely everything right. You 111 00:07:47,700 --> 00:07:50,370 did not stick your nose in it and let them go through this 112 00:07:50,370 --> 00:07:54,720 process once or twice or thrice, until they start asking for 113 00:07:54,720 --> 00:07:58,710 support next time. And then when they ask you for support, you 114 00:07:58,710 --> 00:08:02,160 ask them how would you Like me to support you, what would you 115 00:08:02,160 --> 00:08:07,950 like me to do? I'm already here, and well, how can I help you? 116 00:08:08,640 --> 00:08:12,720 Okay? And if they start telling you something negative, then 117 00:08:12,720 --> 00:08:17,220 start setting up your energy.

Just try to support them 118 00:08:17,220 --> 00:08:21,570 silently. As much as you can. Just Just do the silent support 119 00:08:21,600 --> 00:08:26,130 and be strong, be strong and supportive in in the support 120 00:08:26,130 --> 00:08:29,880 kind of way, like just, I'm just here. I'm just here and whenever 121 00:08:29,880 --> 00:08:33,000 you need something, I'm always here. Whatever you need, I'm 122 00:08:33,000 --> 00:08:37,350 here. Just let them know that just be with them.

Attentively 123 00:08:37,350 --> 00:08:41,040 pay attention, okay, but don't take their note. stick your nose 124 00:08:41,040 --> 00:08:43,980 in their business for the process. Don't try to pull this 125 00:08:43,980 --> 00:08:47,490 things apart. Don't try to understand them. You don't need 126 00:08:47,490 --> 00:08:51,300 none of this stuff. It doesn't concern you in this way.

Okay, 127 00:08:51,570 --> 00:08:58,020 it's your partner's processes, respect them. Okay, until us and 128 00:08:58,020 --> 00:09:02,580 the best best thing To discuss and understand understand, 129 00:09:02,580 --> 00:09:06,780 dissect all these things that of the process after you already 130 00:09:06,780 --> 00:09:10,350 stabilized the second person after you're kind of at the 131 00:09:10,350 --> 00:09:14,460 ground level when they fall stop, when you both kind of at 132 00:09:14,460 --> 00:09:18,570 the same level, then you can discuss what happened, why did 133 00:09:18,570 --> 00:09:22,470 it happen? How can we prevent this from happening? What can I 134 00:09:22,470 --> 00:09:25,890 do as a partner to prevent this from happening? How can I help 135 00:09:25,890 --> 00:09:28,890 you when it starts happening? And then what should you do?

136 00:09:28,890 --> 00:09:32,760 Maybe you should ask for help earlier. And all those questions 137 00:09:32,760 --> 00:09:37,950 can be discussed them not in the moment when disappointed, 138 00:09:37,980 --> 00:09:40,890 support is given, not when it's happening, you should not do 139 00:09:40,890 --> 00:09:45,540 this things. Nobody is in the right stage of mind, or 140 00:09:45,540 --> 00:09:48,510 emotional stage to actually deal with these things in the moment 141 00:09:48,510 --> 00:09:51,090 because it takes a lot of energy. It takes a lot of 142 00:09:51,630 --> 00:09:57,000 strength to be steady and secure and supportive. Okay. Also, it's 143 00:09:57,000 --> 00:10:02,310 a really it's a huge effort on one Partners part, the one who's 144 00:10:02,310 --> 00:10:08,430 supporting somebody.

So this is what support is. So, to 145 00:10:08,430 --> 00:10:13,710 summarize, support is still a support in general sense, okay? 146 00:10:13,710 --> 00:10:17,850 So, in order to provide support, this is what you need to be to 147 00:10:17,850 --> 00:10:20,760 be strong, okay? And you need to be present, you need to be 148 00:10:20,760 --> 00:10:25,920 there. Okay? And you need to provide the kind of support that 149 00:10:26,010 --> 00:10:30,840 other person needs, not which you think support is okay.

Only 150 00:10:30,840 --> 00:10:35,580 in the general sense, okay. But always ask how can I help you? 151 00:10:35,580 --> 00:10:39,090 How can I convert it? How can I go? How can I help you go 152 00:10:39,090 --> 00:10:43,920 through this process, whatever you're going through, and do not 153 00:10:44,310 --> 00:10:48,840 stick your nose and if uninvited, to whatever processes 154 00:10:48,840 --> 00:10:52,980 going on and do not dissect and try to understand what's going 155 00:10:52,980 --> 00:10:57,390 on. While it's happening.

It's never gonna work with you. It's 156 00:10:57,390 --> 00:11:00,690 just gonna make things worse, always hundred percent. Time. 157 00:11:01,200 --> 00:11:04,830 This is what I'm have to deal with all the time with my 158 00:11:04,830 --> 00:11:07,530 clients and this is what I've observed in my personal 159 00:11:07,530 --> 00:11:10,380 relationship for many years until I've learned 160 00:11:10,980 --> 00:11:13,890 exactly this thing that that I'm explaining to you right now. 161 00:11:14,250 --> 00:11:17,760 Okay. And since then for many years, this is how we deal with 162 00:11:17,760 --> 00:11:20,940 situations like that whenever they erase, it works like magic.

163 00:11:21,210 --> 00:11:23,550 So let's go to the next point.